The Hunchback of North Cedar (Street)

Once upon a time in chemistry class today, my stomach started to progressively tighten into a nice knot. This was completely tolerable, since most of the two hour class we were sitting and stirring the same beaker. By the time we got to Brad’s house however, I was semi-dying, and probably most of it is because Brad is funny, so I kept laughing, which only fueled the knot. And on the way home in my car, I kept thinking about this really stupid thing someone in my class said yesterday, so I was cracking up AGAIN, which didn’t untangle the knot. We are learning about genetics and stuff, and specifically about alleles. And as the teacher was showing a chart that mapped out some of the possible combinations of the sex chromosomes (ie. XY, XX, XXY, XYY, X, etc.), literally aloud in the middle of class, this guy asked if one of the alleles would explain why someone is gay. Brad turned red, I couldn’t look at the teacher, there was a collective groan, and then the teacher handled it better than anything he’s handled all year by saying, “That’s beyond the scope of this class.” For once, when he said that, I was glad. The people in these classes of ours are priceless. So anyway I was cackling to myself about that on the way home, and consequently dying.

When I got to my house, I was hunched over. And hunched is how I’ve remained for the last four hours. It’s weird. I have a relatively high threshold for pain, or at least as high as I can tell, having never really severely wounded myself. So actually, I’ll retract that statement. I guess I have no idea. I could be a total pansy. I mean, yeah. I probably am. I guess I got hit in the face with a baseball bat once, but that only required six stitches. Actually I’ve been hit in the head tons of times with various objects during sports events. Most notably basketballs. Which are kind of stunning if they aren’t expected, and obviously they weren’t, or I would have caught or at least batted at them. So I had tape on my glasses a few times. And once I got sunburned so badly my face oozed stuff and crusted over and I had a slight fever and didn’t leave the house for three days. And a couple times my head bounced off the ground in softball, but you know. That's what happens when one lands ungracefully on the ground a lot. And one year in high school my nose would randomly bleed and I got migraines. And once I sort of passed out in the shower because of a nosebleed and landed on my hip on the metal track thing that holds the door. But the nosebleeds and migraines went away. And there’s something stuck in my kneecap, or like a chip missing from it, or something that really sucks to kneel on ever since I totally ate it off my bike on the way to work last year. (Embarrassingly, there were witnesses. But that was like a year ago and it’s still in my knee for whatever reason). Anyway! I never got severely hurt. I never even broke any bones! Except for a hairline fracture on my skull when I was two from falling off some stairs. Actually I don’t even know if it was a hairline fracture, but the back of my head was apparently squishy afterward, and the doctor said that was bad. Which probably explains a lot. But mild head wounds pale in comparison to something like childbirth. Or a dislocated shoulder. Or a bullet wound. So. Consider me a wuss, but still pity me because I am dying.

Anyhow, my point wasn’t really that I’m dying, because that part will go away. At least I hope, or I’ll be dead. And then, effectively, it will have gone away. Anyway, I research everything possible, because how can I resist, with infinite amounts of information just sitting there about EVERYTHING on the internet. And health questions always bring me to WebMD. My point was going to be: never go onto WebMD, ever. I'm not even going to link it for you. Because I revisited it today, and my future according to that thing is bleak. And I’m not by any means a hypochondriac or anything. I rarely am sick, and I don't really get pathetically sick when I do get sick. Except I have a slight cold today, which is stupid. I totally have WebMD syndrome though, which is similar to medical student syndrome, but probably less informed. WebMD just tells you you're most likely dying and there’s nothing really you can do to remedy it at home. Which I already knew OBVIOUSLY before. If I wasn’t freaking dying, I wouldn’t be that curious about it.

WebMD is totally crazed. I’m convinced they have to tell you every possible scenario so people don’t sue them or something, but really? Try it. I mean, do you have a headache? Could be AIDS. Weird rash? It shows you like 8 pictures of rashes that COULD be construed to look like your rash, so you possibly now have 8 diseases instead of just poison oak or whatever you thought it was. All rashes start to look the same on that thing. When Oliver had 5th Disease (which sounds terrifying, but seriously is a common childhood thing and fine), it could have been ringworm, eczema, psoriasis of the face, freaking anything according to WebMD!

I looked up red cheeks (since mine are always red, sometimes I get afraid that it might indicate something more serious than just having a windblown complexion, as Brad calls it, which is one of the reasons he’s funny), and I was almost convinced I have rosacea and soon my nose could get all bulbous and red. Wouldn’t that be fun? I turn red even if I think of something moderately embarrassing. Or talk, ever. Or if someone else says something moderately embarrassing. WebMD says blushing easily might be the only symptom you notice before you get rosacea.

A couple months ago, my eye was twitching, and someone on Facebook said it might be BELLS PALSY, because she just had that and her eye twitched first. And then her face froze for a while I guess! I was like you’re effing kidding me, but I looked it up on trusty WebMD and it brought me to a page that asked me, “Do you have poor night vision?” Umm. Yeah. I pretty much suck at seeing anyway, but at night, yes, it is harder. So then it said maybe I’ll get cataracts. Or retinitis pigmentosa, a genetic disorder affecting young people before the age of 30. Or diabetes, which I probably will get anyway due to all the sugary junk I eat. But I think WebMD reversed the eye twitch and cancelled it out, because after I read all that stuff my eye was fine. I’m still not certain that the eye twitch isn’t a clear predictor of the karmic stroke I’m going to have at 40, but until it twitches again I’m putting it out of my mind.

Every time I go on WebMD, it’s like that kids’ book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. You give the mouse one cookie and suddenly it needs like tons more stuff. I read one article, and suddenly I need to know all the definitions and causes and symptoms. And I always think, OK, don’t get carried away. Just look at the most reasonable things, and don’t click on any links within the article. Because when I do that I’ve found my list of possible ailments greatly increases. But then some little voice is always like, since you’ve been badly sunburned tons of times before the age of 18, and totally unfairly because you didn’t even try to tan back then, you're just incredibly pale, maybe you should look at the sunscreen rankings again. Just for the ingredients? Maybe then make sure you’ve stocked a sunscreen with every possible ingredient combination in your house, just in case the rankings change. Which is how I ended up with Neutrogena Baby Sunscreen with zinc oxide (for that really hot, white-faced look at the beach), Banana Boat Sport Sunscreen, some natural Kiss My Face Sun Stick thing, Aveeno Faces, Neutrogena Ultra-Sheer Dry-touch Helioplex SPF 85+, Hawaiian Tropic SPF 6 (I think I was in denial for that one. I bought it mainly because it smells like coconuts), and probably 10 others in every size, type of application, and SPF. And like 900 chapsticks with sunscreen. There are three in my purse right now, two on the nightstand that I alternate each night, several more on one of my bookshelves, and random sticks in different coat pockets just in case my lips burn, shrivel up, or crack off. See:



And those are just the ones I could find within two minutes. I didn't even look in my car or softball bag, or the linen closet, in which I know for sure there are tons more. There’s a point every summer where I consider wearing light, long-sleeved shirts, pants, and wide-brimmed hats and only leaving the house before 10 a.m. and after 7 p.m. like it recommends on WebMD, but then I say screw it and end up sunburned no matter which sunscreen I choose. I may have tons of wrinkles by the time I’m 35, but at least I will have lived. As long as I don’t use any wrinkle creams with the wrong ingredients. And until one of my blistering burns contributes to skin cancer.

So I’m cutting myself off from WebMD. Because if I look up how carried away I get, it might tell me I’m being all OCD and paranoid, which might lead me to look up compulsive behaviors or delusions, which sounds like it would inevitably lead to reading my old psychology texts, and then I’ll just decide I have everything and call it a day. And then I’ll go on to read my bedtime story, Boomeritis (thanks, Matt!). It is difficult enough to read and analyze one’s consciousness levels and spiritual health without having poor night vision, skin cancer, diabetes, psychotic obsessive-compulsive disorder (that’s a new one for the DSM-V), and some kind of undiagnosed stomach knot. And now that I’ve sat here trying not to breathe too hard while I was writing this because my stomach is dying, my butt is asleep. Which I’m sure means I’m in some early stage of paralysis. But I don’t know because I’m not looking it up.