I am having trouble framing what I want to write about. I want to write about something serious without sounding very serious. Maybe it's not serious so much as important. More likely, it feels important RIGHT NOW because I'm 25, but when I'm 65 I'll have a much fuller perspective and looking back on this will be embarrassing.
Well anyhow, I am clearly not very wise, and there's a feeling I've been having recently that's pushing me somewhere and I don't know where it is that I'm supposed to be going. Huh. All I know is I'm stumbling, wandering, running somewhere. All logic seems to tell me it's the wrong way, but I think my logic is wrong. I think the feeling is love. So basically I'm going on the instinct (risky) that the love feeling is the right one. Hmm. Seems plausible so far.
Love to me trumps everything else (maybe even truth?), which is why logic can't win. I'm talking about the kind of love that I have for everyone in the world and the possibility that we all relate to each other in some giant hippie connection. I sure hope there's a giant hippie connection, because it's certainly an idea I've had for quite a while. I'm not sure when it started and it would be disappointing if it's wrong.
The problem with this is that it's very hard to explain without some sort of interesting framework, which sadly I can't come up with. I figure instead I'll just sound like a hippie that's not smart enough to actually sound serious. So that leaves me with cheesy.
The other kind of love is really the same as romantic love, just more encompassing. It's just as physical. It's like clenching your muscles tightly. It's a burst or drive directed toward something or someone or some way that you can't control. It almost forces me to feel attached to others. Like magnetically or something. The thing that makes me believe it over other things is the fact that I can't control it. It's similar to that flippy feeling you feel in your stomach for someone you're in love with, but it's different. It's similar because I can't control the flippy thing either. It's like an ache for someone you've lost. Or like shame. Those things come without premeditation or warning, and so does love. But what? What am I supposed to learn from it? That's the thing - I don't know what to do with it! I'm probably not being very funny or entertaining right now. Love can be funny. This time it feels too important. Too strong? I think I've always learned something from love, no matter how buried the message was. I'm just confused this time.
Why the bursty? Eek. Burst burst burst. I wish I could articulate this better. Hmm. Similes? It's like being on base with two outs every time a batter swings (you just want to go - as soon as possible). I suppose it's like a craving for chocolate or something? No, probably a better comparison would be a craving for a cigarette. It's like when a child gives you a hug. Hmm. Metaphors? It's the feeling right before something really good happens. Too anticipatory/exciting/longing? It's what happens to your stomach right as you're jumping off a bridge into some water. It's a juice bottle that's been sitting in the sun. Explosive. Or a bunch of crayons in the sun - melty. It's scoring a goal or a basket or hitting in the tying run in a game.
Okay, those are not even coming close to describing this properly. Well, damn. I suppose the bursty thing may just be in my head. Perhaps I'm on the verge of a brain aneurysm...good! At least there's a medical explanation. Sometimes emotions are too iffy to explain to people without sounding like I'm going crazy.
I think honestly that I'm supposed to be learning something about myself. Perhaps a direction? But that sounds too easy and too selfish. And truthfully kind of boring. But I really think it's time I learn it. It's hard though...it's like I have different belief systems competing. One of them says to give, give, give. It's not even one that says that so much as just gives anyway. I think that's the real me. I think this because it's gotten me in trouble before, again and again. And I can't seem to not get in trouble this way. Usually I "give" because of some kind of love feeling, because it seems so right or even like it's the only way I should go, which is why the love feeling can be suspicious.
Another thought process I have says that it's bad to always give myself away because it makes me weaker. A pushover. I think that's one that's been told to me. It never quite takes enough to do anything about the weakness, it just makes me aware of the weakness. And then I guess there's a third belief that jumps up every now and then and says that I should just accept myself for who I am. That one gets me in trouble in different ways. I can accept, for example, that I have trichotillomania and love myself anyway for it. That's fine, but it justifies continuing to rip my hair out. Shouldn't I be able to love myself enough to care for myself? I do care. I'm just not sure why I can't stop doing something so destructive to myself. It is destructive; it eats my self-esteem, confidence, and makes me feel that shame feeling in waves.
Adaptability is good. I can accept the way life is going and move on with it. That's a good quality (I think). I think I'm just supposed to be careful to not mold myself around other people. Or accept something before trying to do something about it. Or something.
How did this post turn into some analysis of the way I move around the world in relation to others and myself? Weird. See, selfish. Anyway. What is the love feeling I keep getting and what to do about it? It seems that I'm supposed to do something about it. It also seems like I maybe should do something for myself? Almost especially since this turned into something about my hair.
Just like that, the love feeling can go away. Just now I kind of got the achey shame feeling instead! That's just because I'm thinking about my hair...Well, it's not totally gone though, because it's still like tugging on my chest a little. In fact if I search hard enough for it it comes back full strength. What is it that I am loving right now? What is so warm feeling? I think it's people. It's like the love feeling is pushing me towards people sometimes. Not like so I'll smother them or something, but like I'm together with them in the same good place? Like we're with each other. Like a hug. Squeezy and bursty. What do I do with it? I think I'll just hold on tightly.
I know you are very worried about writing this, and that's understandable. Opening yourself up to yourself in front of others is more intimidating than giving a presentation, but you did it anyway. I just want you to know that the only weird part about this whole thing is all the SELF DOUBT. Self doubt is understandable and we all do it (it may in fact preserve us at times), but you do it unnecessarily. Just describe what you're feeling. Leave it up to us to determine if it's weird and don't worry if we do. We're not you, so it doesn't matter what we think.
ReplyDeleteWho cares what you think when you're 65? Are you concerned that you used to drool and crap your pants? It's all a learning experience, and what you think now makes up who you will become later. Of course you'll be more "mature" in 40 years. The only real moment, however, is this one.
Be confident and strong. You will do great things that way. And just stay connected. There is no "right" way. Some versions of you are perfect for certain moments and wrong for others. Be flexible and open, and the answers will come.
Sorry to be a counselor, but apparently my manly nature is to problem solve. Good luck!
Kiwi
ReplyDeleteI doubt that you'll have a better perspective on love when you're 65 than you do now. I'm just a few years from that, and I'm still learning about love, still being surprised by the mystery of love -- in all its forms. Love can grow in the tiniest crannies, and with just a little nurturing will thrive in even the quietest heart. And the amazing thing is, as long as we are alive to the possibility, our capacity for loving another, for loving others, never diminishes, never remains finite. Just the opposite: Your heart expands infinitely.
C.S. Lewis (yes, the Chronicles of Narnia author) wrote a small smart book called "The Four Loves" in which he explored the different forms. Categorization is a useful analytical device, and he based his classification on the Greek words and concepts for love: affection (storge), friendship (philia), eros (eros) and charity (caritas or agape). Affection is love such as that of a mother/father for a child, or between other family members. He says this is the most "natural" form of love. I would say this is what's called unconditional love, biological love. Friendship, the love for one's friends, is defined as you would expect, but Lewis says friends must share some common interest or activity. It is "unnatural" in the sense that it's not biological (though here I would disagree with him, because I think there is an evolutionary imperative for friendship, but that's another strand). Eros is romantic love, the love between the lover and the beloved. Again, certainly there's a biological imperative involved in eros. Agape or caritas (charity) is again, importantly, an unconditional love, though it's not biological (Lewis would say, though here again I would disagree, arguing that humans are social animals and as such have evolved to live in social groups). This love is for others with whom you have none of the other connections, and whom you probably don't even see as individuals. Love for humanity, love for others because they are Homo sapiens, a social affinity, a philosophical precept, empathy, a universal bond, fellow tribal/community members, fellow creatures. (Lewis was a deep-thinking Christian and agape for him was Christian love, love of God, but I don't believe you have to be either Christian or religious to feel that universal, unconditional love for your fellow creatures -- and I would go much further and say that agape includes love for animals, every living thing and life itself. But then, I'm a heathen.)
This is the love you are inching your way toward defining. You have set yourself a fiendishly difficult task. And Matt is right: You must overcome self-doubt. Remember the other very important form of love Lewis failed to include: Love of self. A wise man reportedly said that one of the two most important human precepts was to love others as you love yourself. Some have said you must be able to love yourself to love others. I'm not sure I follow that argument all the way to the end. Still, we must follow all threads.
But here's the point, at long last, in this ramble: You are thinking, and thinking hard. It's your nature, and has been since you were old enough to form two-word sentences: "Why daddy? How come?" To think, to wonder, to muse, to ponder, to analyze, to reflect is the burden you bear, your reward and punishment in this life. Nothing will give you greater pleasure nor cause you greater frustration. Embrace it; to think is to be alive.
And heed Matt's wise words: "Be flexible and open, and the answers will come."
Love, Dad
Hi Kira,
ReplyDeleteI tried to post a comment the day you put this up, so I am dismayed to see it not here. Hmmm... I will try again.
All I really wanted was to say, my wish for you is to know your true worth. Because you are awesome, my friend. I love you.
-Jen