You know how sometimes you’re just going along like normal, doing your routine, and suddenly everything just freaking falls out from under you? And it’s not even all really falling out from under you, it just seems like it?
Almost every time I’ve felt like this, I recognize it right away. It’s easy. And I know it’s just negative thinking and if I can spot it, I should be smart enough to outthink it. Like, combat it with positive thoughts or go work out and forget about it or write it all down in this blog. But it doesn’t work – I just go back to this thought that I am not working properly. That I won’t go back to normal. And then I feel completely crazy. To illustrate, I guess I have this example from when I was younger…
It was dark, and I was driving my dad’s pickup home from Canada. I didn’t want to go home yet. I kept thinking about the rides home from our beach house when I was a kid. I never wanted to go home then either.
It was winter break, and Dad and I were heading home from Victoria and Vancouver, B.C. in 2004. We went on a whirlwind tour of every used bookstore we could find, in an epic search for Dad’s beloved Rex Stout mystery series. I even had a glass of wine with my dad for the first time, and I wasn’t even 21! I had a wonderful time – a bright spot after a school term in which only thing I enjoyed doing was running. I ran and ran and ran. I ran in the middle of the night and sometimes twice a day. Sometimes I pretended like someone was chasing me just to see how long I could last. I felt like I accomplished something, however small, after I ran. Like if I couldn’t go to class that day, at least I could go running.
Anyway, the news was playing on the radio in the car, and the financial analysts were talking about the stock market and numbers and I couldn’t stand it. I was embarrassed because I didn’t know what all of it meant – and it didn’t matter that I’d never taken a business class or paid attention to economics; I thought I should have somehow learned something about investments in my 20 years of living. So I asked my dad what the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the Nasdaq Composite Index are and what the difference is and who needs to know about them. He patiently launched into a basic description of them. Somehow, in the middle of the explanation, I got this crushing feeling that I didn’t understand and I would never understand - that I didn’t have the potential to understand. The more I tried to concentrate, the more I kept thinking how hopeless I was as a person living in society who didn’t even know basic facts about the economy. And then I started to get scared, like terrified, that I would never understand anything important. That I would never be normal. That I couldn’t even listen to an explanation that I had asked for just moments before. That I was a selfish, horrible daughter, and I wasn’t even able to go to school. That I wasn’t a good example for my little brother. That no one would ever love me because how could they? Even I didn’t love me. That I couldn’t help anyone else because I couldn’t even function on a basic level. That I should run more. I should eat less. I probably shouldn’t have children.
Then suddenly I was crying hard, and snot was running into my mouth and I couldn’t really see the road and I hated it. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. And simultaneously like I shouldn’t breathe. There is nowhere to go and hide if you’re unexpectedly crying in a car, unfortunately. I wanted out of my skin. Surprised, my dad told me to pull over at the next exit, and to just breathe and try to calm down.
That’s how I feel. The world is not literally falling out from under me, but it seems like it is. The DOW and the NASDAQ aren’t really that important, but they certainly were at the time. And I still honestly don’t really understand them, but I’m not even going to get into that right now. Because I don’t care enough about that stuff currently. Is that what needs to happen? To just not care enough about whatever it is that’s bothering me to the point that it goes away? That appears brilliant at first, but then that means I wouldn’t care about my future.
All this is just because this week several little undesirable things occurred and I started thinking I might be stupid again. For one thing, I took a biology quiz and FORGOT TO ANSWER A QUESTION. It was weird. Then I simply didn’t follow directions on another one. Which is also out of character. And then I got this genius idea to contemplate my future. Insert ‘horrible’ for ‘genius’ in that last sentence. I feel like suddenly, at 26, I’m realizing (again!) that I wasn’t really meant to live past 30. I can never envision myself clearly in the future. When I envision myself in the future, there are like hundreds of possible strings of future me. One might be doing respiratory therapy in some hospital and coming home at night to feed my kids. One might go to grad school for psychology and in ten more years start counseling people (but that one isn’t sure if she even should counsel people since she can’t really figure out her own mind and if it can even manage grad school). One might be writing novels that never get published (or finished) and scraping by on a clerk’s wages. One might be going to school forever and never figuring it out but surviving on whatever jobs are flexible enough to allow for a student lifestyle. One might have sabotaged herself because she couldn’t figure out where her string was supposed to go or whether it started. One might quit caring and move into a jungle. And each string has like four splits: kids and husband, no family, just husband, and just kids. And then there are a few more strings that aren’t quite thick enough to come into the picture. Ultimately, none of them are strong enough to follow.
Then, after 2 months and about a week of not pulling my hair once (which is longer than I’ve gone probably ever except when I shaved my head), I pulled my hair. So then I thought I’d just stop again, since I did it before, but seriously I probably pulled more this week than I would have if I’d been mildly pulling all of the two months! WhatEVER! Yesterday I realized it was the 14th of April, and not the 12th, which is what I thought. So, I decided to (re)do Adam’s taxes on paper since TurboTax couldn’t identify him the first time around. They are the easiest taxes ever (plus our state forms), but even using a calculator I was off by HUNDREDS of dollars. It took me literally like three hours. I mean seriously! It’s never taken that long before. Fortunately my dad knows at least as much about taxes as he does about the DOW and the NASDAQ. And I listened this time. But then today I took a chemistry quiz and forgot like a third of what we learned. Like…before I understood the concept of one of the things we’re supposed to know because it’s fairly simple, and then I got the quiz and it was gone. Necrosis of the brain. And all class period it was still jumbled, and even now I am uncertain. I guess the difference between 20 and 26 is that this time I didn’t cry in the car on the way home…but I was on the verge. It’s a good thing Brad is so funny and practical.
So the title of this blog is the best I could come up with. Certainly I’ve encountered worse than missing two points on a biology quiz. But not much worse. My life is pretty darn good in general. I chose trivial examples because the whole thing, the world over, the pursuit of whatever I’m supposed to be doing, just seems insignificant sometimes. One thing from biology this week struck me as interesting. When a cell realizes its DNA is damaged, it simply destroys itself. That’s a natural thing. It’s called apoptosis, or cell suicide. I’m just wondering what made my brain cells notice their DNA is freaking damaged. Because that’s stupid.
Clearly the only string I should follow is the one I’m already on, because it’s the only certain one that exists. But sometimes I forget about a third of that concept, and suddenly the whole thing disappears. The good thing is I’ll probably remember sooner or later, and this whole thing will just seem…well…trivial. In the meantime, I’ll just keep sliding along this thread until I get somewhere.
April 15, 2010
January 9, 2010
Lydia and Wyatt
“…eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety…” Lydia bounced diagonally down the driveway on her brand-new pogo stick. She’d saved a long time for this thing, and she was going to stay on it for 100 bounces if it killed her. It was $17.95, and worth every penny. Her dad paid her 10 cents per wheelbarrow load of yard debris, and 50 cents to wash the car. After what seemed like an eternity (and several unnecessary car washes) she took her earnings to ToysRUs. The pogo stick was red and shiny with black rubber handle grips, and it made a satisfying metal springing noise. She was crunching up and down the driveway to her heart’s content when her little brother, Wyatt, missed from the free throw line and their basketball started rolling down the street.
Lydia and Wyatt lived on top of one of the steepest hills in south Eugene. Luckily Lydia was only seven years old, because if she had ever tried to start a stick shift on that hill, she’d never want to get her license. Their neighbors across the street had a trampoline, and it was literally slanted. Going to the house west of their house practically required rock climbing gear. In fact, living on this hill really improved their outside shot, because if they missed, the ball was lost forever.
Wyatt, who was only three and therefore couldn’t get his rebound very fast, was devastated. Lydia tossed her shiny new pogo stick safely into a bush and started to run after the ball, which was already clearing the ridge in the middle of the hill and disappearing over the side. It was headed for Donald St., which was like half a mile down the hill. Lydia stopped after a second and kept her eye on the ball (which as anyone who’s ever played catch and accidentally thrown a ball into a forest knows is a much better strategy than immediately running toward the lost ball). Since this was their dad’s only basketball, they decided they’d have to go after it. Being only seven and three, they generally had to ask permission to go beyond the yard. There was absolutely no way they’d be allowed to walk all the way down the hill by themselves, so Lydia made an executive decision and dragged their Radio Flyer wagon out of the side yard.
The Radio Flyer was the kids’ vehicle of choice because a) both of them could fit on it with Lydia in the back reaching over Wyatt to steer with the black metal handle, and b)if they fell out, usually they’d just fly into some grass in a heap, as the wagon was close to the ground to begin with. Falling off a bicycle or roller blades was a lot more complicated. The kids spent hours on that wagon, with Lydia pushing the wagon for a head start and then leaping into it at the last second for a terrifying ride through the side yard that usually ended with the kids covered in scrapes and laughing hysterically.
After looking both ways for cars and their parents, the kids pushed off (or rather, simply let go) of the curb. The hill was sickeningly steep. No one in their right minds would embark on such a ride, the kids realized too late. They were FLYING down, and at the halfway ridge Lydia thought she saw an orange blur several hundred feet in front of them. She wrenched the handle to the left, which made the wheels catch on the pavement. They hurtled toward the side of the street and smashed into the curb. The front of the wagon caught on the curb, and the back acted as a catapult. Lydia was pretty sure she did two full somersaults in mid-air, and Wyatt did an impressive handspring off the sidewalk before they both vaulted over the side of a ravine and rolled forever before landing in a prickly hedge. Stunned, they looked around. They were in someone’s yard.
The yard was bubbling. Upon further review, there were about nine fountains gurgling water in this yard. The fountains, complete with cherubic angel statues, were arranged in a circle around an old-fashioned garden infested with ivy. The vines twisted up and around each chipped stone angel. Beyond the garden was what looked like a run-down guest house with a broken window. The house must have been behind it, but they couldn’t tell from where they crouched. The yard was surrounded by thick trees so they couldn’t see the street above. It was a sunny, hot summer day, but the trees made it shadowy in the yard. Lydia shivered.
“I think we must be near Kari’s house,” she whispered to her brother. Kari was their 17-year-old babysitter who lived somewhere midway down the hill. Lydia in fact had no idea where they were, or exactly where Kari lived, but she felt like if she didn’t say something Wyatt would get scared. Besides, it was reassuring to think that Kari might be close by. She was a great babysitter. She taught Lydia how to draw funny cartoon people and she took the kids for walks in the rain.
Lydia squinted at something orange in the brush across the garden. The ball! She started toward it when Wyatt grabbed her arm. Something or someone was moving in the trees.
“Whaddat?” said Wyatt. Lydia put her finger up to her lips. Wyatt clamped his hand over his mouth. They stared into the trees as a figure emerged. It was a little boy maybe a little younger than Lydia. He had dark curly hair and was wearing a white, button-up shirt with brown shorts. He had white socks pulled up to his knees and brown loafers. The boy looked curiously at the hedge, and then at the basketball in the brush. He picked it up and wheeled around suddenly like he’d heard something. He glanced back at the hedge and ran back through the trees.
“Hey!” Lydia whispered indignantly. Wyatt, ever the practical one, pointed toward the street in a clear vote to return to the wagon, but Lydia grabbed his arm and tugged him into the trees.
That's all for now. More soon. I got writer's block. If anyone has any brilliant ideas as to where this story should go, they should post them. I used to live on a hill just like the one Lydia and Wyatt live on, and I even had a Radio Flyer just like theirs. And a little brother with a name suspiciously close to Wyatt. I always wondered where the balls I lost ended up. Probably not in a yard full of fountains, but hey.
Lydia and Wyatt lived on top of one of the steepest hills in south Eugene. Luckily Lydia was only seven years old, because if she had ever tried to start a stick shift on that hill, she’d never want to get her license. Their neighbors across the street had a trampoline, and it was literally slanted. Going to the house west of their house practically required rock climbing gear. In fact, living on this hill really improved their outside shot, because if they missed, the ball was lost forever.
Wyatt, who was only three and therefore couldn’t get his rebound very fast, was devastated. Lydia tossed her shiny new pogo stick safely into a bush and started to run after the ball, which was already clearing the ridge in the middle of the hill and disappearing over the side. It was headed for Donald St., which was like half a mile down the hill. Lydia stopped after a second and kept her eye on the ball (which as anyone who’s ever played catch and accidentally thrown a ball into a forest knows is a much better strategy than immediately running toward the lost ball). Since this was their dad’s only basketball, they decided they’d have to go after it. Being only seven and three, they generally had to ask permission to go beyond the yard. There was absolutely no way they’d be allowed to walk all the way down the hill by themselves, so Lydia made an executive decision and dragged their Radio Flyer wagon out of the side yard.
The Radio Flyer was the kids’ vehicle of choice because a) both of them could fit on it with Lydia in the back reaching over Wyatt to steer with the black metal handle, and b)if they fell out, usually they’d just fly into some grass in a heap, as the wagon was close to the ground to begin with. Falling off a bicycle or roller blades was a lot more complicated. The kids spent hours on that wagon, with Lydia pushing the wagon for a head start and then leaping into it at the last second for a terrifying ride through the side yard that usually ended with the kids covered in scrapes and laughing hysterically.
After looking both ways for cars and their parents, the kids pushed off (or rather, simply let go) of the curb. The hill was sickeningly steep. No one in their right minds would embark on such a ride, the kids realized too late. They were FLYING down, and at the halfway ridge Lydia thought she saw an orange blur several hundred feet in front of them. She wrenched the handle to the left, which made the wheels catch on the pavement. They hurtled toward the side of the street and smashed into the curb. The front of the wagon caught on the curb, and the back acted as a catapult. Lydia was pretty sure she did two full somersaults in mid-air, and Wyatt did an impressive handspring off the sidewalk before they both vaulted over the side of a ravine and rolled forever before landing in a prickly hedge. Stunned, they looked around. They were in someone’s yard.
The yard was bubbling. Upon further review, there were about nine fountains gurgling water in this yard. The fountains, complete with cherubic angel statues, were arranged in a circle around an old-fashioned garden infested with ivy. The vines twisted up and around each chipped stone angel. Beyond the garden was what looked like a run-down guest house with a broken window. The house must have been behind it, but they couldn’t tell from where they crouched. The yard was surrounded by thick trees so they couldn’t see the street above. It was a sunny, hot summer day, but the trees made it shadowy in the yard. Lydia shivered.
“I think we must be near Kari’s house,” she whispered to her brother. Kari was their 17-year-old babysitter who lived somewhere midway down the hill. Lydia in fact had no idea where they were, or exactly where Kari lived, but she felt like if she didn’t say something Wyatt would get scared. Besides, it was reassuring to think that Kari might be close by. She was a great babysitter. She taught Lydia how to draw funny cartoon people and she took the kids for walks in the rain.
Lydia squinted at something orange in the brush across the garden. The ball! She started toward it when Wyatt grabbed her arm. Something or someone was moving in the trees.
“Whaddat?” said Wyatt. Lydia put her finger up to her lips. Wyatt clamped his hand over his mouth. They stared into the trees as a figure emerged. It was a little boy maybe a little younger than Lydia. He had dark curly hair and was wearing a white, button-up shirt with brown shorts. He had white socks pulled up to his knees and brown loafers. The boy looked curiously at the hedge, and then at the basketball in the brush. He picked it up and wheeled around suddenly like he’d heard something. He glanced back at the hedge and ran back through the trees.
“Hey!” Lydia whispered indignantly. Wyatt, ever the practical one, pointed toward the street in a clear vote to return to the wagon, but Lydia grabbed his arm and tugged him into the trees.
That's all for now. More soon. I got writer's block. If anyone has any brilliant ideas as to where this story should go, they should post them. I used to live on a hill just like the one Lydia and Wyatt live on, and I even had a Radio Flyer just like theirs. And a little brother with a name suspiciously close to Wyatt. I always wondered where the balls I lost ended up. Probably not in a yard full of fountains, but hey.
September 7, 2009
San Francisco
San Francisco’s grey in December
Filled with lights and hills.
The wind cuts her fingers as she tightens her backpack straps
The night taunts knowing she has no one
A ball drops while she rides the midnight bus:
It's 2005.
A man offers a paper bagged bottle
She writes on scraps of napkin
Lost in headphones
Unnoticed on the sidewalk.
She walks fast; faster in the dark
Walking under streetlights, running under none
She pauses on a bridge
Watches water rush away.
Knees knock against skinny jeans
Pink tights line legs inside tall boots
Hood up, cheekbones high
She leans against the rail.
A boy films her walking toward him
She smiles shyly and puts a hand in her pocket
He asks if he can kiss her
He says she is the most beautiful girl in America.
July 13, 2009
Light and fluffy flaky
I am having trouble framing what I want to write about. I want to write about something serious without sounding very serious. Maybe it's not serious so much as important. More likely, it feels important RIGHT NOW because I'm 25, but when I'm 65 I'll have a much fuller perspective and looking back on this will be embarrassing.
Well anyhow, I am clearly not very wise, and there's a feeling I've been having recently that's pushing me somewhere and I don't know where it is that I'm supposed to be going. Huh. All I know is I'm stumbling, wandering, running somewhere. All logic seems to tell me it's the wrong way, but I think my logic is wrong. I think the feeling is love. So basically I'm going on the instinct (risky) that the love feeling is the right one. Hmm. Seems plausible so far.
Love to me trumps everything else (maybe even truth?), which is why logic can't win. I'm talking about the kind of love that I have for everyone in the world and the possibility that we all relate to each other in some giant hippie connection. I sure hope there's a giant hippie connection, because it's certainly an idea I've had for quite a while. I'm not sure when it started and it would be disappointing if it's wrong.
The problem with this is that it's very hard to explain without some sort of interesting framework, which sadly I can't come up with. I figure instead I'll just sound like a hippie that's not smart enough to actually sound serious. So that leaves me with cheesy.
The other kind of love is really the same as romantic love, just more encompassing. It's just as physical. It's like clenching your muscles tightly. It's a burst or drive directed toward something or someone or some way that you can't control. It almost forces me to feel attached to others. Like magnetically or something. The thing that makes me believe it over other things is the fact that I can't control it. It's similar to that flippy feeling you feel in your stomach for someone you're in love with, but it's different. It's similar because I can't control the flippy thing either. It's like an ache for someone you've lost. Or like shame. Those things come without premeditation or warning, and so does love. But what? What am I supposed to learn from it? That's the thing - I don't know what to do with it! I'm probably not being very funny or entertaining right now. Love can be funny. This time it feels too important. Too strong? I think I've always learned something from love, no matter how buried the message was. I'm just confused this time.
Why the bursty? Eek. Burst burst burst. I wish I could articulate this better. Hmm. Similes? It's like being on base with two outs every time a batter swings (you just want to go - as soon as possible). I suppose it's like a craving for chocolate or something? No, probably a better comparison would be a craving for a cigarette. It's like when a child gives you a hug. Hmm. Metaphors? It's the feeling right before something really good happens. Too anticipatory/exciting/longing? It's what happens to your stomach right as you're jumping off a bridge into some water. It's a juice bottle that's been sitting in the sun. Explosive. Or a bunch of crayons in the sun - melty. It's scoring a goal or a basket or hitting in the tying run in a game.
Okay, those are not even coming close to describing this properly. Well, damn. I suppose the bursty thing may just be in my head. Perhaps I'm on the verge of a brain aneurysm...good! At least there's a medical explanation. Sometimes emotions are too iffy to explain to people without sounding like I'm going crazy.
I think honestly that I'm supposed to be learning something about myself. Perhaps a direction? But that sounds too easy and too selfish. And truthfully kind of boring. But I really think it's time I learn it. It's hard though...it's like I have different belief systems competing. One of them says to give, give, give. It's not even one that says that so much as just gives anyway. I think that's the real me. I think this because it's gotten me in trouble before, again and again. And I can't seem to not get in trouble this way. Usually I "give" because of some kind of love feeling, because it seems so right or even like it's the only way I should go, which is why the love feeling can be suspicious.
Another thought process I have says that it's bad to always give myself away because it makes me weaker. A pushover. I think that's one that's been told to me. It never quite takes enough to do anything about the weakness, it just makes me aware of the weakness. And then I guess there's a third belief that jumps up every now and then and says that I should just accept myself for who I am. That one gets me in trouble in different ways. I can accept, for example, that I have trichotillomania and love myself anyway for it. That's fine, but it justifies continuing to rip my hair out. Shouldn't I be able to love myself enough to care for myself? I do care. I'm just not sure why I can't stop doing something so destructive to myself. It is destructive; it eats my self-esteem, confidence, and makes me feel that shame feeling in waves.
Adaptability is good. I can accept the way life is going and move on with it. That's a good quality (I think). I think I'm just supposed to be careful to not mold myself around other people. Or accept something before trying to do something about it. Or something.
How did this post turn into some analysis of the way I move around the world in relation to others and myself? Weird. See, selfish. Anyway. What is the love feeling I keep getting and what to do about it? It seems that I'm supposed to do something about it. It also seems like I maybe should do something for myself? Almost especially since this turned into something about my hair.
Just like that, the love feeling can go away. Just now I kind of got the achey shame feeling instead! That's just because I'm thinking about my hair...Well, it's not totally gone though, because it's still like tugging on my chest a little. In fact if I search hard enough for it it comes back full strength. What is it that I am loving right now? What is so warm feeling? I think it's people. It's like the love feeling is pushing me towards people sometimes. Not like so I'll smother them or something, but like I'm together with them in the same good place? Like we're with each other. Like a hug. Squeezy and bursty. What do I do with it? I think I'll just hold on tightly.
March 12, 2009
Is it so wrong?
Ok, you want current events?! Fine. You'll probably wish for the happy childhood stories of me falling into snowdrifts or wandering around in the night after this. Welcome to the current debate in my head: I like the taste of baby food. Is this healthy? Specifically I enjoy liquefied vegetables and fruits. They're surprisingly good. And pure I think. And there is a bonus: they arrive in cute little jars. Each food is one color and they all line up in nice rows in the stores. Is this bad? Everyone eats yams on the holidays...and mashed cranberries...and jam on toast...ketchup? Honestly people. The problem (well, one of them) is expense. Why should I pay 72 cents for 2.5 ounces of vegetable, you ask? Well, I don't have a food processor. And if I blended my own, I wouldn't get the adorable container. Wait, how do I know how much mashed peas cost? I admit I have indulged in the past two days (is this current enough? I'm putting my soul on the line here) in three tiny jars of sweet potatoes. I had a craving. They are sugar-filled and I love sugar. Hey, it's better than the five boxes of girl scout cookies I wolfed over the last couple weeks. Those go down faster in solid form. I now have a healthy ring of cookies around my waist. Cool. And you wonder why I wear strangely-patterned bathing suits.
If you're squeamish, skip this paragraph. When I was five years old (ok ok, it's not current but it helps explain the history behind my love for baby food. Or at least shows there is a history. Or something) my brother got to eat baby food all the time and I was jealous. He also rubbed butter in his hair, and of this I was not envious. His hair smelled of butter for the first three years of his life. My mom rationed out bites of apricots or pears or whatever delicious thing Wyeth was eating from time to time and I loved it. I would immediately run to my room with the mouthful and after swishing it around I'd spit it into a little plastic cup I kept in the closet. I was a closet baby food hoarder! Literally...(closet...get it? HA).I wanted to preserve it for later. After a while the contents of the cup blackened. This may have been because the foods were all different colors (peas, carrots, berries, I don't even know. It's all a blur), or it could have been because I hid them in there until they grew. It is with shame that I recall this.
Parents of Tin Woodsman babies, don't fret. I didn't eat your infants' food. Unless it accidentally ended up all over me. Then I would lick it off my fingers. Or sweatshirt sleeve. Sometimes if I wasn't sure whether it was sweet potatoes (my fave) or carrots I'd ask unsuspecting Anna, Oliver, or Moses for a taste. It turns out they love to share! Such sweet little enablers. They're almost always willing to share green foods, but are stingy with the pears. Good thing I don't discriminate.
If you're squeamish, skip this paragraph. When I was five years old (ok ok, it's not current but it helps explain the history behind my love for baby food. Or at least shows there is a history. Or something) my brother got to eat baby food all the time and I was jealous. He also rubbed butter in his hair, and of this I was not envious. His hair smelled of butter for the first three years of his life. My mom rationed out bites of apricots or pears or whatever delicious thing Wyeth was eating from time to time and I loved it. I would immediately run to my room with the mouthful and after swishing it around I'd spit it into a little plastic cup I kept in the closet. I was a closet baby food hoarder! Literally...(closet...get it? HA).I wanted to preserve it for later. After a while the contents of the cup blackened. This may have been because the foods were all different colors (peas, carrots, berries, I don't even know. It's all a blur), or it could have been because I hid them in there until they grew. It is with shame that I recall this.
Parents of Tin Woodsman babies, don't fret. I didn't eat your infants' food. Unless it accidentally ended up all over me. Then I would lick it off my fingers. Or sweatshirt sleeve. Sometimes if I wasn't sure whether it was sweet potatoes (my fave) or carrots I'd ask unsuspecting Anna, Oliver, or Moses for a taste. It turns out they love to share! Such sweet little enablers. They're almost always willing to share green foods, but are stingy with the pears. Good thing I don't discriminate.
March 9, 2009
Barbie and the wolves
I went to Grandma and Grandpa’s and ate raspberries from the yard and frozen dates and helped Grandma with the mixer and played with clothespins in the laundry room and Grandpa sneaked me cookies and now the shadows move down the car seats and out the windows and I count the streetlights and try to see the Gorge but there might be wolves under my seat so I pull my legs up and then Barbie is dancing on my knee and she is sparkly and she does a flip and her shoe falls off but I don’t get it because of the wolves and she balances on her heel and my face is in the window and then it’s gone and I breathe on the window and make a hand print in the mist and Barbie’s hair is short because I cut it and it looks funny and then there is a fire dancing outside and a car is burning and there are people around and we slow down and I hold my doll in the window so she can see with me and we hope they’re ok and I pull my feet in tighter.
This is not a rough draft or a huge run-on sentence. Well actually it is a giant sentence, but I did it on purpose. This story is written directly as I remember it - I was four, so it should sound like a four year old. This is exactly what I remember from one night when we drove past a car accident on I-84 circa 1987. Future direct memories will come with the label "direct memory".
This is not a rough draft or a huge run-on sentence. Well actually it is a giant sentence, but I did it on purpose. This story is written directly as I remember it - I was four, so it should sound like a four year old. This is exactly what I remember from one night when we drove past a car accident on I-84 circa 1987. Future direct memories will come with the label "direct memory".
March 8, 2009
Meeka skipped the liiiiiight fandango...
Today I bought "The Big Chill" soundtrack and was instantly rocketed back to sixth grade. Back then I could sing at the top of my lungs with my eyes closed and not even think twice. Our family owned and played out the cassette tape for about 4 years straight. From third through seventh grade I can only remember listening to that tape, The Beatles, and Fleetwood Mac. So it's not that shocking to discover that I know every word on the CD. Or that each song shuffles me through emotions I didn't expect. I found myself belting "If I have to sleep on your doorstep, allll night and day, just to keep you from walkin' away..." and dancing by myself in my car. It must have looked a little weird to nearby drivers since I was laughing really hard at myself and making embarrassing singing faces. And bobbing my head around like an idiot. The memories I flashed through each involved my mom driving us around in her magenta Toyota Corolla or her green minivan (since we listened to the cassette through two cars' lifetimes). Currently the Four Tops are playing "The Same Old Song" (the very same one) in my headphones because Adam almost killed me earlier.
Meeka, our golden retriever, did not always have a positive reaction to car trips. Normally she is not a drooler, but in cars saliva oozes from her doggy lips constantly. Somehow she even smelled like she was going to vomit. We opened windows, stopped to let her out often, and let her roam around the car freely in an attempt to get her to like the car. What dog doesn't like cars?
This is Wyeth and me in 1993. Rockin' the side ponytail - a little after its time.
One summer day we were heading home from Neskowin (about a two hour drive) and blasting "A Whiter Shade of Pale" from our minivan speakers. It may not have been quality, but it was loud. Meeka and Kitty were accompanying Wyeth and me in the back seat. Meeka was only a few months old and was sitting on my lap. I sang to her, "And so it waaaaaaaaaaas, that layyyyayyyyayyyterrrr, as the Miller told his tale, that Meeka's face at first just ghostly..." And Meeka turned a whiter shade of pale and blew chunks on my lap.
I can still smell it. I was wearing a blue t-shirt that said Lincoln City Swim Club 1994 on it and it was one of my favorite shirts. I've never seen so much vomit come out of something so small. I dry heaved a couple of times and Wyeth and I begged Mom to pull over. An eternity later (you can't hear very well when that cassette is cranked up apparently), we pulled over and I climbed out, holding my shirt out. The pool of partially digested puppy food was gathered in my shirt like I was collecting rocks in it. It was steaming. I didn't have another shirt so we just dumped the puke and WIPED OFF THE SHIRT I HAD ON AND GOT BACK IN THE VAN!!! Horrifying. As you can guess, the smell lingered. Meeka was tiny and cute though, so I forgave her.
"Meeka was feelin', so bad! She asked the family doctor just what she had. She said Doctor (Doctor!), Mr. M.D., Doctor? Can you tell me, what's ailin' me? Doctor?"
All she needed was good lovin', it turns out. Poor Meeka.
Meeka, our golden retriever, did not always have a positive reaction to car trips. Normally she is not a drooler, but in cars saliva oozes from her doggy lips constantly. Somehow she even smelled like she was going to vomit. We opened windows, stopped to let her out often, and let her roam around the car freely in an attempt to get her to like the car. What dog doesn't like cars?
This is Wyeth and me in 1993. Rockin' the side ponytail - a little after its time.
One summer day we were heading home from Neskowin (about a two hour drive) and blasting "A Whiter Shade of Pale" from our minivan speakers. It may not have been quality, but it was loud. Meeka and Kitty were accompanying Wyeth and me in the back seat. Meeka was only a few months old and was sitting on my lap. I sang to her, "And so it waaaaaaaaaaas, that layyyyayyyyayyyterrrr, as the Miller told his tale, that Meeka's face at first just ghostly..." And Meeka turned a whiter shade of pale and blew chunks on my lap.
I can still smell it. I was wearing a blue t-shirt that said Lincoln City Swim Club 1994 on it and it was one of my favorite shirts. I've never seen so much vomit come out of something so small. I dry heaved a couple of times and Wyeth and I begged Mom to pull over. An eternity later (you can't hear very well when that cassette is cranked up apparently), we pulled over and I climbed out, holding my shirt out. The pool of partially digested puppy food was gathered in my shirt like I was collecting rocks in it. It was steaming. I didn't have another shirt so we just dumped the puke and WIPED OFF THE SHIRT I HAD ON AND GOT BACK IN THE VAN!!! Horrifying. As you can guess, the smell lingered. Meeka was tiny and cute though, so I forgave her.
"Meeka was feelin', so bad! She asked the family doctor just what she had. She said Doctor (Doctor!), Mr. M.D., Doctor? Can you tell me, what's ailin' me? Doctor?"
All she needed was good lovin', it turns out. Poor Meeka.
March 7, 2009
Marco Polo
My best friend Liz and I decided to try out for water polo our freshman year of high school. Conditioning was brutal. We had daily doubles which involved dryland training. This meant we ran around a field in the morning in 90 degree weather, did a million jumping jacks, and lifted weights. We had to piggyback people up a hill of death and Liz puked orange juice. In the afternoon we had our regular conditioning in the pool. We wore shirts and shorts in the water over our swimsuits so it would be harder to swim. This was water polo's equivalent to a medicine ball.
Freshman year I didn't have contacts yet, so I just tried to blend in with everyone else who could see. I probably just looked a little slow.
Happily Liz knew this and would often yell tips (Incoming! Or, swim straight, cut three feet to your left, and look up!). I was lucky to have a visually adept and conscientious person to look out for me. Swimming is a sport you can do almost blind because you're isolated in your own lane and there are giant black lines painted on the floor and a row of flags above you to tell you when you're going to smash into the wall. In water polo however, you have to track a ball and anticipate things before they happen and know where and who your teammates are. Luckily the ball is bright yellow. It's also harder than you'd expect, but I only got hit in the face a few times. I'd say under 10 times. After a couple of skull rattling bounces I felt a little loopy but at least I knew where the ball was finally. It was right there ricocheting off my head! The coach didn't know I was blind, so he probably just thought I really sucked. To his credit, I did score on my own goal once in practice. The goalie caps are red, so there is no way to tell if they're on your team! That and my hearing seems to get worse when I can't see. If you can't see who's yelling at you and you're surrounded by people yelling things, it gets confusing quickly. So I just shot at the nearest goal usually, unless my own teammate was in the goal yelling at me. On a positive note, I didn't see any Speedos in detail that year. I had mixed feelings about getting contacts sophomore year because of this. Have you ever seen a group of high school boys stretching in low-riding Speedos because they think it looks good?! I'd almost rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon.
Water polo is kind of an insane sport. Pretty much anything goes under the water unless the referees notice someone thrashing around in pain. One girl took Liz's shoulders in her hands and rammed her knee into her stomach and left her floating there with the wind knocked out of her. Once when Liz and I were playing on the boys team (senior year we didn't have a girls varsity team but lettered by playing with the boys) I ended up underwater with a large male's knees on my shoulders in the deep end for a long time. The ref finally clued in and that guy got ejected from the game and suspended for the rest of the season. I was slightly disgruntled, so our boys took care of the rest of their team.
I'm number 14; Liz is number 2.
As you can see, most of the time we spent trying not to drown. The girls also spent a significant amount of time zipping our suits up. We had to have someone else cinch the back while we worked the zipper because they were so tight. The suits were zip up because in water polo people try to grab you anywhere they can and having a saggy suit or one with straps is like a handhold. No one had a saggy suit though; those things were cut so they showed way more thigh than anyone is used to seeing and rode up in a way that was not flattering. We also wore two sizes smaller than we ever should have to eliminate drag. They were like vacuum-sealed too, so you couldn't really adjust them once they started creeping up. Yikes.
Day 10: Hairanoia
Hello, my name is Kira and I’m a trichotillomaniac. I’ve been clean now for 10 days. I’ve just been taking it one day at a time, staying strong, working my program and remembering my higher power. It’s been a tough journey, but hopefully I’ve given up my fix for good. They say the more times you try the more likely you are to succeed – so I must be getting nearer to success. There are days when I just want one little hair. Just one, you know, to take the anxiety down a notch. A social hair rip. Everyone else can pull out one hair and not go on a binge. Just one little tug? That’s how it starts. One innocent pluck and suddenly I’ve been in the bathroom for an hour and have a pile of evidence in the trashcan. Honesty is the first step: I’m ashamed to admit I’ve blacked out numerous times while engaging in my addiction and found piles of hair I don’t remember killing. I’ve also pulled while driving and staring into the rearview mirror. My homework time is punctuated by sessions of chasing that high. The more I pull, the more I need to pull to bring me up to normal. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s the final countdown, da da doo doo, da da doo doo doo…sorry, but it’s in the background. Adam got a new Wii game. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the courage to know the difference.
If anyone is disturbed at this point, there is a previous post called Trichotillomaniac that may explain some of your concerns. Most concerns will probably remain and may be furthered by the next post which may or may not have anything to do with this. Two things I must clarify – this is an analogy, in that ripping hair is analogous to addiction. And by higher power I meant mental power.
12 days ago, my well-intentioned and possibly future brother-in-law (ha, like that Adam? Tack on another year), Matt, decided to try and make me go insane. He enjoys this type of thing, and after reading the blog mentioned above, decided we should see if we could stop our compulsive tendencies at the same time. He does this weird thing where he chews flaps of skin off his fingers while lurking in doorways or staring out of windows. Sometimes he taps his teeth for balance. It’s a little creepy, but so is selecting strands of hair and zipping them into balls. And sometimes, um, licking them or sort of putting them on my lips. Anyway, he kindly came up with this plan to unravel my sanity and I of course joined up two days later for the competition. Well, that’s not exactly true; I was just trying to make it funny. I stopped pulling because I have desperately wanted to for 14 years and I was offered a pretty good checking in system – I wouldn’t feel right lying to Matt. I think this and partially the competitive aspect may be the only thing saving my hair right now. So thanks Matt, you are a good brother. I should say that now, because there have been several trying moments in the past nine days. That’s why this is like a TA meeting (Trichotillomaniacs Anonymous) and I’m sharing my triggers and other problems like a freaking hair junkie. Hence the title of this post.
So in the last 10 days I overcompensated. At home I wore my hair in a hood, a hat, put junk in it so it feels different, brushed it 90 times instead of pulling at it, and I even tried becoming more interested in licking my nails or just moving my thumbnail along my lower lip. That’s kind of nice, but not really comparable. I developed a foot tapping twitch too. It turns out my interest is piqued only by hair. Hair, hair, hair. Mm, mm, mm. But not down into my belly – that’s trichophagia. I hung out at Borders a couple times, drank less caffeine but unfortunately consumed much more sugar, vacuumed my car to remove previous evidence, and played with my sweatshirt drawstrings instead.
None of these things compares to the sheer glory of finding and then popping out the perfect hair, but there was a pesky competition to adhere to. It sucked! I mean, it still sucks. I am sitting here typing away and every so often there is a sneaky suggestion in my head. Here’s one right over here. Yes, here on the left. Just liberate it and go back to typing. No one will miss it. I can physically feel it sticking out now – awesome! And I find myself saying silly things back such as, You know what, brain? No. You can take your hair and go…do something with it. It’s wildly difficult to communicate with my fingers once they’ve found their prey however. And they just find them all on their own! Sometimes I have to physically concentrate on letting go of a hair that is already prepared to be released and rolled into a tiny ball. Especially since one hair doesn’t sound all that bad.
During my first midterm in the past nine days, I caressed my hair constantly and couldn’t concentrate very well. There were a lot of suicidal hairs just waving around all over the place. It was also windy outside on my way to class which didn’t help. Wind makes me smooth obsessively and coincidentally I find hairs that do not want to be calmed but rather ripped. Before I studied for my second midterm and wrote a seven page paper this last week, I purchased some smoothing balm for incentive. It doesn’t so much smooth frizz as create a glowing red halo around my head. Not good. Up it went into a ponytail. Byebye, tempting little victims.
Luckily for me I possess an incredible skill for procrastination. I saved my term paper for Wednesday night and it was due Thursday at 8:30 a.m. Strategically I wrote 3.5 pages starting at 9 p.m. while watching “Lost” with Heidi and Adam. This made it possible to postpone the deaths of several hairs for another day, since I don’t pull in front of others (if they’re looking). I woke up early to finish the paper, and by that time I had so little time to complete it that I barely thought about my hair. I finished on time and with every hair intact. Yay! I’ll take whatever I get on the paper – what I’m doing right now is apparently more of a mental challenge.
If anyone is disturbed at this point, there is a previous post called Trichotillomaniac that may explain some of your concerns. Most concerns will probably remain and may be furthered by the next post which may or may not have anything to do with this. Two things I must clarify – this is an analogy, in that ripping hair is analogous to addiction. And by higher power I meant mental power.
12 days ago, my well-intentioned and possibly future brother-in-law (ha, like that Adam? Tack on another year), Matt, decided to try and make me go insane. He enjoys this type of thing, and after reading the blog mentioned above, decided we should see if we could stop our compulsive tendencies at the same time. He does this weird thing where he chews flaps of skin off his fingers while lurking in doorways or staring out of windows. Sometimes he taps his teeth for balance. It’s a little creepy, but so is selecting strands of hair and zipping them into balls. And sometimes, um, licking them or sort of putting them on my lips. Anyway, he kindly came up with this plan to unravel my sanity and I of course joined up two days later for the competition. Well, that’s not exactly true; I was just trying to make it funny. I stopped pulling because I have desperately wanted to for 14 years and I was offered a pretty good checking in system – I wouldn’t feel right lying to Matt. I think this and partially the competitive aspect may be the only thing saving my hair right now. So thanks Matt, you are a good brother. I should say that now, because there have been several trying moments in the past nine days. That’s why this is like a TA meeting (Trichotillomaniacs Anonymous) and I’m sharing my triggers and other problems like a freaking hair junkie. Hence the title of this post.
So in the last 10 days I overcompensated. At home I wore my hair in a hood, a hat, put junk in it so it feels different, brushed it 90 times instead of pulling at it, and I even tried becoming more interested in licking my nails or just moving my thumbnail along my lower lip. That’s kind of nice, but not really comparable. I developed a foot tapping twitch too. It turns out my interest is piqued only by hair. Hair, hair, hair. Mm, mm, mm. But not down into my belly – that’s trichophagia. I hung out at Borders a couple times, drank less caffeine but unfortunately consumed much more sugar, vacuumed my car to remove previous evidence, and played with my sweatshirt drawstrings instead.
None of these things compares to the sheer glory of finding and then popping out the perfect hair, but there was a pesky competition to adhere to. It sucked! I mean, it still sucks. I am sitting here typing away and every so often there is a sneaky suggestion in my head. Here’s one right over here. Yes, here on the left. Just liberate it and go back to typing. No one will miss it. I can physically feel it sticking out now – awesome! And I find myself saying silly things back such as, You know what, brain? No. You can take your hair and go…do something with it. It’s wildly difficult to communicate with my fingers once they’ve found their prey however. And they just find them all on their own! Sometimes I have to physically concentrate on letting go of a hair that is already prepared to be released and rolled into a tiny ball. Especially since one hair doesn’t sound all that bad.
During my first midterm in the past nine days, I caressed my hair constantly and couldn’t concentrate very well. There were a lot of suicidal hairs just waving around all over the place. It was also windy outside on my way to class which didn’t help. Wind makes me smooth obsessively and coincidentally I find hairs that do not want to be calmed but rather ripped. Before I studied for my second midterm and wrote a seven page paper this last week, I purchased some smoothing balm for incentive. It doesn’t so much smooth frizz as create a glowing red halo around my head. Not good. Up it went into a ponytail. Byebye, tempting little victims.
Luckily for me I possess an incredible skill for procrastination. I saved my term paper for Wednesday night and it was due Thursday at 8:30 a.m. Strategically I wrote 3.5 pages starting at 9 p.m. while watching “Lost” with Heidi and Adam. This made it possible to postpone the deaths of several hairs for another day, since I don’t pull in front of others (if they’re looking). I woke up early to finish the paper, and by that time I had so little time to complete it that I barely thought about my hair. I finished on time and with every hair intact. Yay! I’ll take whatever I get on the paper – what I’m doing right now is apparently more of a mental challenge.
March 5, 2009
Night Skiing
By now some of you know that at some points in my life I become a little delusional. Given that characteristic, sometime in 2003 I went night skiing with four dorm friends at Mt. Hood Meadows (yes, that is ‘night’ there in front of ‘skiing’. Modifying it. Now the skiing is dark and somewhat horrifying). Keep in mind I’d been skiing only once before, at which time I fell twice. Only twice! I sort of fell down instead of sitting on the chairlift and another time I sacrificed myself on purpose while going like 90 down a hill to avoid a three foot tall pink snowsuit on tiny skis. Who knew the intermediate hill spit you out on the bunny hill? The different speeds are not conducive to merging. The little girl would have probably died. As it was, it only took me about 15 minutes to locate all my gear and find my mittens.
Back to 2003.
This photo is not from 2003. It has things in common with this post though. I did fall down while moving faster than normal on an icy surface right before this photo was snapped. And see? It doesn't appear to have deterred me! I look happy (delusional)and slightly soggy. It may seem that those gloves I'm wearing are white, but that's just chunks of ice and slush accumulated from breaking my fall. And yes, I spun a 180 and fell flat on my stomach, so my pants are soaked. If you're confused as to how this relates to the post, keep reading. Also I don't have all that many pictures of me frolicking in the snow, but I needed a visual aid.
The amount of time it took us to wake up, pack, eat, locate enough skis, and actually drive to Mt. Hood is the reason we were night skiing. I mean, we moved glacially for the whole day. Eugene time moves differently than other time. So it was somewhat of a shock to find myself flying down a hill on a slick surface with long things attached to my feet, but nevertheless, there I was. Well, first I was at the bottom of the hill naively asking the chair lift operator which hill was best for a beginner. She said, “Go down the run on the left and you should be fine!”
Ah, blissful ignorance. I thanked her and successfully landed on the chairlift. As I exited left off of the lift and over a precipitous ridge, I started wondering with increasing paranoia if the woman had meant my left coming off the lift, or one-who-was-smartly-looking-down-the-mountain’s left. Almost immediately upon starting to wonder, I realized that she did in fact mean the latter, and I had most unfortunately chosen the former. This was classic. I giggled a little to myself nervously as I started to pick up speed. Wheeee! Using my knack for unraveling mysteries rapidly and at unhelpful times, I deduced that due to the lack of night skiing lights on my side of the hill and the marked absence of anyone else, I must be on some kind of back-country kamikaze route. That’s cool, I thought. After all, I was still upright somehow. There were a lot of those pesky bump things (moguls?). I mean a LOT. Literally I was either airborne or bouncing up again to airborne the whole run. Boingboingboingboingboingboing. If the bottom of my skis had springs that’s what I would have sounded like on my descent. And maybe WHOOSH in the background for speed. I’m going to go ahead and call it a harrowing descent. While concentrating on keeping my muscles tensed exactly the same the whole time because it seemed to be working, I vaguely noticed trees popping up in my vision every so often. It was like that Pop Up game that kids have – you turn a knob or push a button and a cow or pig comes out of nowhere. Only these were not nice plastic farm animals. I tried not to look at them. This was easy, since by the time I realized they were there I was generally already past them.
Finally I saw a dim light through the trees. A millisecond later I flew out of the tunnel of trees, bounced off a final bump thing, and catapulted into a snowdrift. A middle aged guy skiing by at a safe, responsible speed looked startled. Children may have pointed and laughed, but I was alive. This was unexpected. Smirking and trying to return to a normal breathing pattern, I casually reattached my skis, mittens, and hat, located my poles, and glided slowly down the beginner hill. Nothing to see here…
This should probably have instilled some sort of conditioned response like driving the opposite direction of mountains. Buuuut no. No rational fears here! I later learned to snowboard and ended up colliding (oh yes, literally) with a Christian youth group who included me and an unsuspecting foreign exchange student in their activities for some reason for the rest of the day. I think they could tell I was on a fast track toward death and wanted to make sure I was properly prepared. But that’s another story.
Back to 2003.
This photo is not from 2003. It has things in common with this post though. I did fall down while moving faster than normal on an icy surface right before this photo was snapped. And see? It doesn't appear to have deterred me! I look happy (delusional)and slightly soggy. It may seem that those gloves I'm wearing are white, but that's just chunks of ice and slush accumulated from breaking my fall. And yes, I spun a 180 and fell flat on my stomach, so my pants are soaked. If you're confused as to how this relates to the post, keep reading. Also I don't have all that many pictures of me frolicking in the snow, but I needed a visual aid.
The amount of time it took us to wake up, pack, eat, locate enough skis, and actually drive to Mt. Hood is the reason we were night skiing. I mean, we moved glacially for the whole day. Eugene time moves differently than other time. So it was somewhat of a shock to find myself flying down a hill on a slick surface with long things attached to my feet, but nevertheless, there I was. Well, first I was at the bottom of the hill naively asking the chair lift operator which hill was best for a beginner. She said, “Go down the run on the left and you should be fine!”
Ah, blissful ignorance. I thanked her and successfully landed on the chairlift. As I exited left off of the lift and over a precipitous ridge, I started wondering with increasing paranoia if the woman had meant my left coming off the lift, or one-who-was-smartly-looking-down-the-mountain’s left. Almost immediately upon starting to wonder, I realized that she did in fact mean the latter, and I had most unfortunately chosen the former. This was classic. I giggled a little to myself nervously as I started to pick up speed. Wheeee! Using my knack for unraveling mysteries rapidly and at unhelpful times, I deduced that due to the lack of night skiing lights on my side of the hill and the marked absence of anyone else, I must be on some kind of back-country kamikaze route. That’s cool, I thought. After all, I was still upright somehow. There were a lot of those pesky bump things (moguls?). I mean a LOT. Literally I was either airborne or bouncing up again to airborne the whole run. Boingboingboingboingboingboing. If the bottom of my skis had springs that’s what I would have sounded like on my descent. And maybe WHOOSH in the background for speed. I’m going to go ahead and call it a harrowing descent. While concentrating on keeping my muscles tensed exactly the same the whole time because it seemed to be working, I vaguely noticed trees popping up in my vision every so often. It was like that Pop Up game that kids have – you turn a knob or push a button and a cow or pig comes out of nowhere. Only these were not nice plastic farm animals. I tried not to look at them. This was easy, since by the time I realized they were there I was generally already past them.
Finally I saw a dim light through the trees. A millisecond later I flew out of the tunnel of trees, bounced off a final bump thing, and catapulted into a snowdrift. A middle aged guy skiing by at a safe, responsible speed looked startled. Children may have pointed and laughed, but I was alive. This was unexpected. Smirking and trying to return to a normal breathing pattern, I casually reattached my skis, mittens, and hat, located my poles, and glided slowly down the beginner hill. Nothing to see here…
This should probably have instilled some sort of conditioned response like driving the opposite direction of mountains. Buuuut no. No rational fears here! I later learned to snowboard and ended up colliding (oh yes, literally) with a Christian youth group who included me and an unsuspecting foreign exchange student in their activities for some reason for the rest of the day. I think they could tell I was on a fast track toward death and wanted to make sure I was properly prepared. But that’s another story.
February 27, 2009
I feel the need, planted in me...
Part of the time I was in Costa Rica we stayed at a beach resort. I was there with seven other teenagers and my high school Spanish teacher. ‘Resort’ may have been a slight hyperbole. It was a little house with some open walls that was awesome and owned by an older couple and there were monkeys in the yard. In fairness it was a resort compared to where we had just come from. Here is the resort:
It was very close to the beach, but you had to walk through a short sort of jungle-like stretch of land to get there. There were rather large burrow holes and a swamp among other obstacles. I’m pretty sure the holes were made by snakes. If I was alone I did not leisurely walk down to the sandy paradise. Instead I tried to run as fast as I could and leap over each hole, intending to leave a generous space between me and possible snake. There also might have been either alligators or piranhas in the swamp area, but happily there was a log so I didn’t have to wade through it. Not that a bouncy log that could snap at any moment and dump me into a murky bog was very reassuring, but I just tried to dart across like an agile jungle-dwelling animal that’s not normally on an alligator’s menu. I never saw a snake, alligator, or piranha, but that was probably because I never looked back and I was quick. My desire to get to the beach was greater than my fear of bitey animals.
These are my hands sticking out of a wave at the beach:
Freaking spectacular. It was practically private – I never saw anyone besides our group there in that whole week. Everything at the beach was turned up: brightness, wave height and consistency, and heat. It was…sizzly. The first day I laid out on the beach I burned in under 10 minutes despite slathering on SPF 45. After that I developed a glorious protective red crust. I had a white handprint etched into the blisters because I had rested a palm on my thigh while reading. Someone unfortunately has a picture of this. It hurt to put clothes on, but it didn’t really matter. We just ran around in hot swimsuits from the ’90s all day anyway. Like this:
One day the boys and I decided to try and maim ourselves. Nick and Eric were pretty cool, and I was 15. So. This predisposed us to want to do something that would result in a lot of bruises and rocks in our suits. (Not a good swimsuit look. I mean I need help in the top and everything, but rocks are not exactly the appropriate texture). At a certain point each day the tide on that beach did something different for about a half hour. Note how in the picture of me in a wave above, the wave happens sort of on top of a bunch of deep water already. Not so in the waves I'm about to describe. These waves would rise up to about 5 or 6 feet tall seemingly out of nowhere and smash onto the beach and flatten out. It looked like someone was kneading the ocean like dough. They’d pull up a wave mixed with rocks out of the sand and squish it down again. One minute there was a pebbly beach, and the next there was a wall of wave waiting to crush you. I’ve never seen anything so cool in my life.
Our brilliant idea of a fun time was to wait for the wave wall to accumulate and then sprint and dive headfirst into it. Ha! It was so dangerous. Sometimes the rocks were the size of our fists and we would leap in and cover our heads. It was what I bet being in a salad spinner would feel like. With a lot of frothy dressing. And dense croutons that could kill you. It was a complete rush: lack of control for about 15 seconds of moderate to severe fear for our lives. Then the wave would crash down and suck itself back into the ocean leaving us contorted and gasping for air on the beach. We’d scramble up before the next one enveloped us and the next idiot would dive in. I’m sure I flashed people several times because I was more concerned about little necessities like breathing and avoiding head injuries than keeping a swimsuit on. We really had no idea which way was up while inside the wave. There was no way to prepare for a glamorous landing; we were probably lucky no one broke their neck. Sometimes our faces would be smashed into the sand/rock mixture. Sometimes our legs would be at inappropriate angles or our arms would be lying limply at our sides. Rocks in swimsuits look funnier than sand. Have I stressed that enough? Afterward we felt fittingly like we’d been pelted with rocks for a half hour and tossed onto the ground repeatedly while being denied oxygen. We didn’t even care. I have never laughed harder while running toward imminent doom.
It was very close to the beach, but you had to walk through a short sort of jungle-like stretch of land to get there. There were rather large burrow holes and a swamp among other obstacles. I’m pretty sure the holes were made by snakes. If I was alone I did not leisurely walk down to the sandy paradise. Instead I tried to run as fast as I could and leap over each hole, intending to leave a generous space between me and possible snake. There also might have been either alligators or piranhas in the swamp area, but happily there was a log so I didn’t have to wade through it. Not that a bouncy log that could snap at any moment and dump me into a murky bog was very reassuring, but I just tried to dart across like an agile jungle-dwelling animal that’s not normally on an alligator’s menu. I never saw a snake, alligator, or piranha, but that was probably because I never looked back and I was quick. My desire to get to the beach was greater than my fear of bitey animals.
These are my hands sticking out of a wave at the beach:
Freaking spectacular. It was practically private – I never saw anyone besides our group there in that whole week. Everything at the beach was turned up: brightness, wave height and consistency, and heat. It was…sizzly. The first day I laid out on the beach I burned in under 10 minutes despite slathering on SPF 45. After that I developed a glorious protective red crust. I had a white handprint etched into the blisters because I had rested a palm on my thigh while reading. Someone unfortunately has a picture of this. It hurt to put clothes on, but it didn’t really matter. We just ran around in hot swimsuits from the ’90s all day anyway. Like this:
One day the boys and I decided to try and maim ourselves. Nick and Eric were pretty cool, and I was 15. So. This predisposed us to want to do something that would result in a lot of bruises and rocks in our suits. (Not a good swimsuit look. I mean I need help in the top and everything, but rocks are not exactly the appropriate texture). At a certain point each day the tide on that beach did something different for about a half hour. Note how in the picture of me in a wave above, the wave happens sort of on top of a bunch of deep water already. Not so in the waves I'm about to describe. These waves would rise up to about 5 or 6 feet tall seemingly out of nowhere and smash onto the beach and flatten out. It looked like someone was kneading the ocean like dough. They’d pull up a wave mixed with rocks out of the sand and squish it down again. One minute there was a pebbly beach, and the next there was a wall of wave waiting to crush you. I’ve never seen anything so cool in my life.
Our brilliant idea of a fun time was to wait for the wave wall to accumulate and then sprint and dive headfirst into it. Ha! It was so dangerous. Sometimes the rocks were the size of our fists and we would leap in and cover our heads. It was what I bet being in a salad spinner would feel like. With a lot of frothy dressing. And dense croutons that could kill you. It was a complete rush: lack of control for about 15 seconds of moderate to severe fear for our lives. Then the wave would crash down and suck itself back into the ocean leaving us contorted and gasping for air on the beach. We’d scramble up before the next one enveloped us and the next idiot would dive in. I’m sure I flashed people several times because I was more concerned about little necessities like breathing and avoiding head injuries than keeping a swimsuit on. We really had no idea which way was up while inside the wave. There was no way to prepare for a glamorous landing; we were probably lucky no one broke their neck. Sometimes our faces would be smashed into the sand/rock mixture. Sometimes our legs would be at inappropriate angles or our arms would be lying limply at our sides. Rocks in swimsuits look funnier than sand. Have I stressed that enough? Afterward we felt fittingly like we’d been pelted with rocks for a half hour and tossed onto the ground repeatedly while being denied oxygen. We didn’t even care. I have never laughed harder while running toward imminent doom.
February 26, 2009
Partners in...climb?
Brad is a rather cautious person about certain things, so when he asked if I was afraid of heights I was like, “Psshh? Please.” I mean, the guy thinks he’s going to fail math, but he has like a 99.9 in the class. Whatever it was couldn't possibly be that dangerous.
We were over at Sherry’s house helping her fix it up to sell. In my machismo, I conveniently forgot that Sherry’s house is tall. You’d think that someone as uncoordinated as me would develop a healthy, adaptive fear of dangerous things like balancing high above the ground. When I saw the area of the roof we would be pressure-washing I did feel a little red flag flapping around in the back of my head (not a clump of hair! Come on now). However I had already committed myself fearlessly and I kind of had a reputation to consider here. When I said I’d only really held a pressure washer once, Brad looked slightly concerned. When I asked if he'd gone up the ladder yet and tried this, he looked green. He had indeed climbed up and didn’t seem to have liked the experience. Hmm. These observations were troubling. But what the heck, there was a ladder to cling to after all. I started ascending with the pressure washer nozzle in hand. This was not helpful and in fact slippery and cold, but it had to come along.
In a ladder I tend to like stability and in the ground the ladder is resting on I hope for a smooth, even quality. I had neither, but I did have Brad holding the ladder. How reassuring. It was a nice gesture, but we both knew that if the ladder broke or I blasted myself off of it with the hose (infinitely more likely), I was not going to fall neatly into his arms. I would probably careen off the side of the house, bounce off a couple trees, and fall to my death, so who were we kidding? Oh! The ladder. You see, the ladder thought that if it shook constantly and violently enough it just might get away with tossing me quietly into the bushes to my doom. So that’s really why Brad was there. That and to turn on and off the pressure washer – or in other words, decide when I would die. You can tell I had finally realized with some annoyance that Brad’s fears were founded.
The top of the ladder was quite a bit more wobbly than desired, but strangely this was the least of my concerns. I was holding the hose above me and attempting to clear little clumps of moss off the roof. This was all very satisfying and glorious when the chunks flew off, but I was (literally) under a lot of pressure. Counter-balancing the inner city pressure required most of my skills at once. I managed to blow some moss off the roof, but by now my left leg had inexplicably started to shake. Yippee! This merely fueled the ladder’s lust for broken bones. At least there was only going to be one person around to see me break my neck, since it probably wouldn’t be a very cool-looking death. Everyone else was painting or doing something else constructive or possibly chuckling quietly from the dormer windows.
As you can imagine, we weren’t the most proficient pressure washers out there. In fact we didn't even come close to finishing the job. Brad went back up again later and really tempted fate – I am not strong enough to control the ladder at all, but he didn’t have to know that, right? Somehow we are alive and the bloodthirsty ladder is (I think) safely resting somewhere without a person on it.
We were over at Sherry’s house helping her fix it up to sell. In my machismo, I conveniently forgot that Sherry’s house is tall. You’d think that someone as uncoordinated as me would develop a healthy, adaptive fear of dangerous things like balancing high above the ground. When I saw the area of the roof we would be pressure-washing I did feel a little red flag flapping around in the back of my head (not a clump of hair! Come on now). However I had already committed myself fearlessly and I kind of had a reputation to consider here. When I said I’d only really held a pressure washer once, Brad looked slightly concerned. When I asked if he'd gone up the ladder yet and tried this, he looked green. He had indeed climbed up and didn’t seem to have liked the experience. Hmm. These observations were troubling. But what the heck, there was a ladder to cling to after all. I started ascending with the pressure washer nozzle in hand. This was not helpful and in fact slippery and cold, but it had to come along.
In a ladder I tend to like stability and in the ground the ladder is resting on I hope for a smooth, even quality. I had neither, but I did have Brad holding the ladder. How reassuring. It was a nice gesture, but we both knew that if the ladder broke or I blasted myself off of it with the hose (infinitely more likely), I was not going to fall neatly into his arms. I would probably careen off the side of the house, bounce off a couple trees, and fall to my death, so who were we kidding? Oh! The ladder. You see, the ladder thought that if it shook constantly and violently enough it just might get away with tossing me quietly into the bushes to my doom. So that’s really why Brad was there. That and to turn on and off the pressure washer – or in other words, decide when I would die. You can tell I had finally realized with some annoyance that Brad’s fears were founded.
The top of the ladder was quite a bit more wobbly than desired, but strangely this was the least of my concerns. I was holding the hose above me and attempting to clear little clumps of moss off the roof. This was all very satisfying and glorious when the chunks flew off, but I was (literally) under a lot of pressure. Counter-balancing the inner city pressure required most of my skills at once. I managed to blow some moss off the roof, but by now my left leg had inexplicably started to shake. Yippee! This merely fueled the ladder’s lust for broken bones. At least there was only going to be one person around to see me break my neck, since it probably wouldn’t be a very cool-looking death. Everyone else was painting or doing something else constructive or possibly chuckling quietly from the dormer windows.
As you can imagine, we weren’t the most proficient pressure washers out there. In fact we didn't even come close to finishing the job. Brad went back up again later and really tempted fate – I am not strong enough to control the ladder at all, but he didn’t have to know that, right? Somehow we are alive and the bloodthirsty ladder is (I think) safely resting somewhere without a person on it.
If you think I'm uncoordinated now...
I was an avid babysitter as a teenager. I wanted to be a "baby doctor" from about age three until 17, so I needed some practice with kids. Once I posted an ad (a paper ad, drawn with markers on construction paper and taped strategically to our apartment mailbox cluster) and waited for my business to boom. I was 10, and the first call I got was from a mother who needed a babysitter for her 12-year-old boy. I took down my ad shortly afterward and decided to stick with babysitting my brother. By 13 I was babysitting for several families regularly. My friend Liz and I traded off jobs and referred each other to different families, kind of like they did in the Babysitters' Club books. It was rad. I got maybe $3.50-$4.00 an hour if the kids liked me.
I babysat regularly for seven year old Lauren and 4 year old Daniel Violi. The kids were great: energetic, polite, funny, and I think for a while they might have thought I was cool. Secretly I was not very cool, but I did try hard. Lauren loved to make up scenarios that I would then be obliged to act out. Often I played the role of a blind ballerina. Arms outstretched and with my glasses off to make it more realistic, I would stagger around doing pirouettes and tripping over dressers and toys and anything else in the way. Lauren LOVED this for some reason and she had a contagious laugh, so I ended up sacrificing my dignity almost every time I babysat.
Lauren was a gymnast, and apparently in her youthful innocence she thought my blind ballerina klutziness was all acting. One day she asked if I would do a cartwheel on her new and awesome balance beam thing. It was a giant foam bar you could walk along and only about 8 inches off the floor (thank God). People usually don't include 'graceful' in their descriptions of me. I'm not sure what exactly happened, but in slow motion it may have looked like me missing the balance beam completely and kicking an expensive and beautiful lamp off of a table. My lack of control over my limbs and eventually brain lasted for the rest of the evening. In the bathroom I reached (with an abnormally high elbow for some reason) back for some toilet paper and knocked over a costly ceramic tissue holder. It shattered. Excellent.
Later I left the oven on for four hours after we made pizza and I was not asked to babysit for them again.
I babysat regularly for seven year old Lauren and 4 year old Daniel Violi. The kids were great: energetic, polite, funny, and I think for a while they might have thought I was cool. Secretly I was not very cool, but I did try hard. Lauren loved to make up scenarios that I would then be obliged to act out. Often I played the role of a blind ballerina. Arms outstretched and with my glasses off to make it more realistic, I would stagger around doing pirouettes and tripping over dressers and toys and anything else in the way. Lauren LOVED this for some reason and she had a contagious laugh, so I ended up sacrificing my dignity almost every time I babysat.
Lauren was a gymnast, and apparently in her youthful innocence she thought my blind ballerina klutziness was all acting. One day she asked if I would do a cartwheel on her new and awesome balance beam thing. It was a giant foam bar you could walk along and only about 8 inches off the floor (thank God). People usually don't include 'graceful' in their descriptions of me. I'm not sure what exactly happened, but in slow motion it may have looked like me missing the balance beam completely and kicking an expensive and beautiful lamp off of a table. My lack of control over my limbs and eventually brain lasted for the rest of the evening. In the bathroom I reached (with an abnormally high elbow for some reason) back for some toilet paper and knocked over a costly ceramic tissue holder. It shattered. Excellent.
Later I left the oven on for four hours after we made pizza and I was not asked to babysit for them again.
February 24, 2009
After school surprise
While Wyeth and I waited for Mom and Dad to get home after school, we often crafted little treats that we called "surprises". We weren't allowed to use the stove, so we had to get a little creative with the microwave. We'd nuke things like marshmallows with melted chocolate chips on top and present them to our parents like a cat with a dead bird. It was bad.
One time we simply wanted to make Jell-O. I was nine years old and Wyeth was five. We followed the directions on the box. The amount of Jell-O the box would have made was enough for a huge gelatinous bowl. Then we discovered we needed the stove to create the wiggly. Just a minor detail. No matter, we thought. It would be even better to have Jell-O in juice form. Mom and Dad were going to love it. Instantly we realized it was so good that Mom and Dad could have the next batch. It was like red crack. Delicious, delicious red sugar liquid. So we chugged it all in probably 10 minutes and ran outside to play on the playground. Mom arrived shortly afterward and we jumped off the swings to greet her. And then I projectile vomited a red hose of Jell-O juice. Wyeth didn't get much farther before he shot an arc of syrupy red glory onto the grass.
One time we simply wanted to make Jell-O. I was nine years old and Wyeth was five. We followed the directions on the box. The amount of Jell-O the box would have made was enough for a huge gelatinous bowl. Then we discovered we needed the stove to create the wiggly. Just a minor detail. No matter, we thought. It would be even better to have Jell-O in juice form. Mom and Dad were going to love it. Instantly we realized it was so good that Mom and Dad could have the next batch. It was like red crack. Delicious, delicious red sugar liquid. So we chugged it all in probably 10 minutes and ran outside to play on the playground. Mom arrived shortly afterward and we jumped off the swings to greet her. And then I projectile vomited a red hose of Jell-O juice. Wyeth didn't get much farther before he shot an arc of syrupy red glory onto the grass.
February 23, 2009
Adventures in sleep - Part II: Into the wild
Other times when I'm strolling around sleeping, I find myself somewhere unexpected. I went to camp in the summers with Liz, and one time when I was about 13 we went on a 45 mile canoeing trip. We stayed at a vacated boy scout camp for one of the nights. The campsite had probably 20 or 30 A-frame tents(not sure if that is how to describe it...they had a wood floor and canvas-like roofs and doorway openings. They were shaped like tents). I slept in the middle in my sleeping bag, with Liz on one side and an unsuspecting girl on the other. Sometime in the middle of the night, it started to pour rain. Around the same time or approximately when the ground was most soaked, I rolled out of the canvas door flaps - sleeping bag and all - and landed in a puddle. I also managed to kick my tennis shoes out the door with me (how this occurred without anyone else waking up is beyond me. Maybe I somersaulted).
Generally falling out of a cabin thing and landing in the rain would shock someone awake. Instead I climbed out of the bag and wandered off into the dark. I woke up when I realized my feet were wet and was fairly terrified. One minute I was warm and in a nice tent-like structure and the next I was drenched, in wet pajamas, without glasses (this was particularly unfortunate), disoriented, surrounded by woods and wondering where all the identical little canvas houses were. It took me a long time to find the light to the bathroom (or the biffy, as we called it at camp for some reason). I then could kind of trace my way to our tent thing. Except I overshot it. This was worrisome. Most tents were empty because our group was small and there was a myriad of tents. I looked in like three before I found ours. By this point I was crying and relieved to see dry land(I know, right? Whimpy). Liz fortunately knew of my nighttime travels and helped me fix a bed out of towels and all of our combined dry clothes, because by now my sleeping bag was waterlogged. She then bungee-corded the door flaps shut in paranoia.
Generally falling out of a cabin thing and landing in the rain would shock someone awake. Instead I climbed out of the bag and wandered off into the dark. I woke up when I realized my feet were wet and was fairly terrified. One minute I was warm and in a nice tent-like structure and the next I was drenched, in wet pajamas, without glasses (this was particularly unfortunate), disoriented, surrounded by woods and wondering where all the identical little canvas houses were. It took me a long time to find the light to the bathroom (or the biffy, as we called it at camp for some reason). I then could kind of trace my way to our tent thing. Except I overshot it. This was worrisome. Most tents were empty because our group was small and there was a myriad of tents. I looked in like three before I found ours. By this point I was crying and relieved to see dry land(I know, right? Whimpy). Liz fortunately knew of my nighttime travels and helped me fix a bed out of towels and all of our combined dry clothes, because by now my sleeping bag was waterlogged. She then bungee-corded the door flaps shut in paranoia.
Adventures in sleep
As a kid I sleepwalked. (It's common, ok? And by kid I mean until age 24). Usually it was just innocent little forays into my parents' bedroom to say something unintelligible, but sometimes I did other things.
When I was seven, I wandered into the bathroom in the middle of the night, took off my nightgown and underwear, and put them in the toilet. Then I went and got my three year old brother's t-shirt and underwear and put them on and went back to bed. I can only imagine my mom's confusion when she got up in the morning to use the bathroom.
Another time I peed on a stack of books in my parents' room. Books, toilet. It's all the same when you're asleep. I was probably three.
Once when I was in high school, I stumbled down the hall and stood at the railing above our stairs, most likely with a glazed look in my eyes, partially because I am blind without my glasses and partially because I was sleeping. My dad looked up from the computer quizzically. "Hi Kiwi, what are you doing up?"
"I have to do my Arab notes," I answered, dead serious.
"I see," he said. "I don't think you're fully awake right now." I denied this vehemently, convinced that I had simply to do some notes real quick. Arab notes. Arab notes? Wait a minute...
"Hey Dad?" I said, once I was back in bed, "I was totally asleep just then. Sorry."
"Mmm hmm."
As I said in a previous post, my parents and brother are quite used to my quirks. Every time I deny being asleep until I'm back in bed and awake. The funny thing is I mostly remember what I do, I just am firm in my belief that whatever I am doing at the time is totally normal.
Adam bought shelves for my plethora of books and we installed them over our bed. One night at about two a.m. I sat up and ripped the shelf off the wall, sending about 20 books tumbling into my lap. Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow. Ow ow ow. (That was the landing of the books. Somebody please, remove these libraries from my knees). Adam woke up, startled by the crashing and his wide awake (now) girlfriend sitting there staring blankly at him. "I ripped down the bookshelf," I confessed. "I was asleep though. Sorry."
"Why...why exactly?"
Who knows. Probably because I'm crazed. One time at a hotel (most often these episodes occur when something is different. Like a new shelf or something, you know, big life changes), my dad discovered me walking repeatedly into the corner of the room. He didn't so much discover me visually, because he is absolutely blind without contacts, but probably heard me banging into the wall and saying, "I have to get out."
Multiple times I have gathered all of my blankets and placed them in a neat ball over in the corner of my bedroom. I then return to bed (I guess) and wake up freezing with a vague memory of carrying a ball of blankets across the room for safekeeping.
I spent the night at my friend Liz's house when I was about ten, and once I stood up from my spot on the floor and walked around the room a little. She asked what on earth I was doing and I apparently explained that I didn't want to wear the dress with the puffy sleeves and went back to my sleeping bag.
When I was seven, I wandered into the bathroom in the middle of the night, took off my nightgown and underwear, and put them in the toilet. Then I went and got my three year old brother's t-shirt and underwear and put them on and went back to bed. I can only imagine my mom's confusion when she got up in the morning to use the bathroom.
Another time I peed on a stack of books in my parents' room. Books, toilet. It's all the same when you're asleep. I was probably three.
Once when I was in high school, I stumbled down the hall and stood at the railing above our stairs, most likely with a glazed look in my eyes, partially because I am blind without my glasses and partially because I was sleeping. My dad looked up from the computer quizzically. "Hi Kiwi, what are you doing up?"
"I have to do my Arab notes," I answered, dead serious.
"I see," he said. "I don't think you're fully awake right now." I denied this vehemently, convinced that I had simply to do some notes real quick. Arab notes. Arab notes? Wait a minute...
"Hey Dad?" I said, once I was back in bed, "I was totally asleep just then. Sorry."
"Mmm hmm."
As I said in a previous post, my parents and brother are quite used to my quirks. Every time I deny being asleep until I'm back in bed and awake. The funny thing is I mostly remember what I do, I just am firm in my belief that whatever I am doing at the time is totally normal.
Adam bought shelves for my plethora of books and we installed them over our bed. One night at about two a.m. I sat up and ripped the shelf off the wall, sending about 20 books tumbling into my lap. Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow. Ow ow ow. (That was the landing of the books. Somebody please, remove these libraries from my knees). Adam woke up, startled by the crashing and his wide awake (now) girlfriend sitting there staring blankly at him. "I ripped down the bookshelf," I confessed. "I was asleep though. Sorry."
"Why...why exactly?"
Who knows. Probably because I'm crazed. One time at a hotel (most often these episodes occur when something is different. Like a new shelf or something, you know, big life changes), my dad discovered me walking repeatedly into the corner of the room. He didn't so much discover me visually, because he is absolutely blind without contacts, but probably heard me banging into the wall and saying, "I have to get out."
Multiple times I have gathered all of my blankets and placed them in a neat ball over in the corner of my bedroom. I then return to bed (I guess) and wake up freezing with a vague memory of carrying a ball of blankets across the room for safekeeping.
I spent the night at my friend Liz's house when I was about ten, and once I stood up from my spot on the floor and walked around the room a little. She asked what on earth I was doing and I apparently explained that I didn't want to wear the dress with the puffy sleeves and went back to my sleeping bag.
Trichotillomaniac
Tricho-who? Most of you probably don’t know the extent of my compulsive tendencies. One day when I was 11 years old I went to the hairdresser. She commented on the fact that my hair has red in it and said it was pretty. And that’s where it all began…
“Huh,” I thought. I had never really thought about my hair before. Plus I couldn’t really see the red hairs unless I looked at them up close. So I sat cross-eyed in the living room staring at my hair and decided I wasn’t properly seeing the red and I would have to see it closer. I tugged on one and it came out. Indeed it was red. It was also pleasantly textured, unlike the rest of my boring blonde hairs. It was like Doritos – one did not suffice. Soon I was sifting through my hair and freeing each red one. It was strangely relieving. Most people are probably uncomfortable right now. (“What is wrong with this girl?” You whisper. Then you realize you’re whispering to the blog and you’re just as bad as an 11 year old who pulls her hair out). Shortly I had accumulated a small pile of hair on the floor next to me. It was trance-like: I quickly became proficient at selecting the perfect hair and ripping. In a few months I had a small patch on the top of my head that stuck up a full inch. The rest of my hair was normal. This looked pretty much like you’d picture it – like a small red afro, but not curly. It was becoming a slight problem. Sometimes I would apologize to the hairs. (Just one more, I told my hair. Your sacrifice is appreciated). Then I’d slide my thumbnail along each hair and release it like curling a ribbon to decorate a gift. It would zip gloriously into a tiny ball and then I would roll it between my fingers and toss it on the pile with the others.
Soon my parents began discovering my piles. I usually gathered them shamefully at the end of each trance and tossed them in the garbage, covering them with toilet paper so no one would find a giant hairball in the trashcan. “Honey,” said my mom one day, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Um,” I replied, “hold on,” as I discovered another red friend. “I’m just pulling out the red hairs so I can see them better.”
“Ah,” she said. (Because that makes sense, I could tell she was thinking). My family was used to my eccentricities. I knew what I was doing was a little extra weird though. It was just that when I looked in the mirror and a hair was frizzed and sticking out I had to rip it. I would get a nagging thought. (You won’t find one that nice again, a voice said. Not a voice like a hallucination. Just a little voice suggesting a hair holocaust). If I simply saw the hair but didn’t rip it something bad would happen I was pretty sure. I couldn’t leave the room until the urge was satisfied, or I would fail my math test or walk all the batters next game I pitched. My dad would get in a car accident. My brother would get eaten by a tiger that escaped from the zoo and ended up inexplicably in the woods behind our house. My mom would get lost somewhere on her way home from work because she’s directionally-challenged and never come home again. To prevent this from happening, all I had to do was yank out one perfect little hair, right?
By now the habit was devouring a fair amount of my time. If I had to contemplate how to graph f(x)=((2x+3)^2)-5 or how to write a paper on symbolism for more than two seconds, my obsession with locating and then yanking out hair would win me over. Good thing I had enough control over myself to simply stroke strands of hair innocently during class or in public. It eventually forced me to develop a small tic – moving my head from side to side rapidly. Since there was a bald spot in the back of my head by now and as it grew back it left an uneven ugly truncated patch of hair, I was self-conscious. I figured if I walked down the halls of the junior high turning my head back and forth really fast, no one would see the spot. I sat in the back of class or wore a ponytail to cover it. I used an abnormal quantity of hair gel. I wore gloves when I did my homework or read a book. I moved the garbage can across my bedroom floor so I’d have to stand up to toss away each hair. I told Wyeth to punch me whenever he saw my ripping hair. My mom started going around saying, "Save the hairs!!" every time she caught me. (Really!)
At about age 14 I wondered if the internet had any answers. I googled “hair pulling” (was there Google back in the day? If not, I browsed the worldwide web with some sketchy old search engine). I frantically ripped hairs as I waited for our dial-up modem to make loud and discouraging noises. I had begun to rip when I was nervous, on road trips, in the bathroom, or simply thinking about stuff.
It turns out there are a bunch of weirdos like me out there. This compulsion is labeled trichotillomania. Check it out:
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/trichotillomania.html
I still pull hairs all the time, but usually not to that severity…I have honed my self-control so that I can still wear my hair down, but only with a fair amount of product in it and a hair dryer. I love ponytail. Consider yourselves privileged to read this blog; only my family and a few people who I trusted who wanted to know why I shaved my head five times between the ages of 17 and 22 know. I had come across a story on the internet about the parents of an eight year old with trichotillomania who shaved her head in an attempt to squelch her “habit”. Shaving your head doesn’t work in the long run, by the way. But it’s a great way to make people question your sexuality or whether you have cancer.
February 21, 2009
A day in the life of a ColdFire groupie
One of the things I admire most about Adam is his ability to dedicate himself fully to his dream - playing music. His talent is raw and he possesses an ear for music without formal training. Rarely do I meet someone so passionate about a goal. It is at once impressive and contagious in that I now experience a healthy anxiety about the status of ColdFire. I want this band to succeed no matter if that success means fame or simply an outlet they can use to express themselves. I LOVE BAND.
That said, last night ColdFire played with three other bands at everyone's favorite metal dive bar: Samurai Duck. Everyone has their own fears, routines, and rituals the day of a performance. Adam's are specifically linked to the process of transporting the band to the location of a gig. Everything must be on time. Adam's definition of time distorts on show days though. While I am interested in getting place on time as well, I often forget to figure in gig time. Frankly I don't know the formula for calculating gig time and I try not to ask about it. I'm good at driving, taking pictures, and adapting to new schedules. I'm pretty sure n-2 fits somewhere in finding out how much time we have to get places on show nights, since last night ColdFire got on stage at 10:30 p.m. but we were there and unloaded and playing pool since 8:30.
Anyway. Samurai Duck is a metal venue, yet it doesn't discriminate. All sorts of people show up there. Last time a guy brought a cake inside and talked to it. He ate it with his finger. I have a soft spot for that guy though. Read blog #1. Another regular who once danced provocatively to "Belly Drop" reportedly stabbed a cabbie. Yesterday Justin (the bassist) brought a group of 7 friends - complete with a guy wearing chaps and another who disintegrated exponentially with each drink. More about him later.
As groupie I have the following rules/moral obligations/desires: I photograph constantly, I bring drinks occasionally to the band, I call everyone I know and invite them to shows, I attempt to pay attention to sound levels, and if something goes wrong onstage I try to quietly resolve it. Last night I also controlled (loose term) Dan's video camera. The other Justin (Kevin's nephew) kindly traded off with my digital camera taking photos so we could both keep an eye on the video camera, which is probably expensive and was teetering precariously above a beer soaked floor surrounded by drunken morons. After a couple songs we realized an eight foot tall guy was standing in front of the video camera. Luckily Adam brought his tripod, so Justin and I coordinated a covert camera move, Blair Witch Project style. Later when Dan watched the part on film where I tried to sneak onstage and get the tripod only to discover it was not the tripod and in fact some other ambiguous long black case, he proclaimed, "Sweet! Chicks are crawling on stage! Oh wait, that's Kira." We found the tripod eventually and tried for a pretty long time to attach it to the camera. It's hard when you're working in a dim dive dodging darkly dressed drunkards and dropping parts of the tripod on the bar floor (yeah, did you catch that alliteration? It wasn't intentional but I just went with it). My favorite part was when Justin said, "The camera hears everything we're saying." Keep in mind I was holding my digital camera as a light source while Justin was both trying to attach the other camera and dropping tripod parts. We gave up and put the camera on the water cooler on top of the bar.
Everything was going great:
Derrik and Adam were jamming,
Justin was belting riffs (Adam helped me with the band jargon),
Dan and Animal were laying down beats,
AND Justin's extremely intoxicated friend was climbing onto the stage and taking the mike! I took a couple pictures because I thought they'd invited him on stage to say something or announce a song. It turns out they hadn't. Soon Adam had to pull the mike away while Heidi, Justin, and I tried to convince the guy to come down. He sort of jumped into my arms, but happily Justin caught him before I died. Later he tried to join the band again but I convinced him in the nick of time to sit down next to me off to the side. Adam was ready to gently nudge him offstage with his foot, he said later (but not in those words). "This one's a good song, huh?" I offered. He replied he jusht wanted to shing backup.
He danced uncomfortably close to Justin (bassist) for the last two songs. I guess every show has its crazed fan.
Despite the chaos, ColdFire rocked that metal scene. My contracted anxiety about the shows is always calmed by the clarity of their sound and the positive impact they have on their crowd.
"'Peace' can't be said enough; we should hang these flags up..."
-"Burning Flags" lyrics by ColdFire
That said, last night ColdFire played with three other bands at everyone's favorite metal dive bar: Samurai Duck. Everyone has their own fears, routines, and rituals the day of a performance. Adam's are specifically linked to the process of transporting the band to the location of a gig. Everything must be on time. Adam's definition of time distorts on show days though. While I am interested in getting place on time as well, I often forget to figure in gig time. Frankly I don't know the formula for calculating gig time and I try not to ask about it. I'm good at driving, taking pictures, and adapting to new schedules. I'm pretty sure n-2 fits somewhere in finding out how much time we have to get places on show nights, since last night ColdFire got on stage at 10:30 p.m. but we were there and unloaded and playing pool since 8:30.
Anyway. Samurai Duck is a metal venue, yet it doesn't discriminate. All sorts of people show up there. Last time a guy brought a cake inside and talked to it. He ate it with his finger. I have a soft spot for that guy though. Read blog #1. Another regular who once danced provocatively to "Belly Drop" reportedly stabbed a cabbie. Yesterday Justin (the bassist) brought a group of 7 friends - complete with a guy wearing chaps and another who disintegrated exponentially with each drink. More about him later.
As groupie I have the following rules/moral obligations/desires: I photograph constantly, I bring drinks occasionally to the band, I call everyone I know and invite them to shows, I attempt to pay attention to sound levels, and if something goes wrong onstage I try to quietly resolve it. Last night I also controlled (loose term) Dan's video camera. The other Justin (Kevin's nephew) kindly traded off with my digital camera taking photos so we could both keep an eye on the video camera, which is probably expensive and was teetering precariously above a beer soaked floor surrounded by drunken morons. After a couple songs we realized an eight foot tall guy was standing in front of the video camera. Luckily Adam brought his tripod, so Justin and I coordinated a covert camera move, Blair Witch Project style. Later when Dan watched the part on film where I tried to sneak onstage and get the tripod only to discover it was not the tripod and in fact some other ambiguous long black case, he proclaimed, "Sweet! Chicks are crawling on stage! Oh wait, that's Kira." We found the tripod eventually and tried for a pretty long time to attach it to the camera. It's hard when you're working in a dim dive dodging darkly dressed drunkards and dropping parts of the tripod on the bar floor (yeah, did you catch that alliteration? It wasn't intentional but I just went with it). My favorite part was when Justin said, "The camera hears everything we're saying." Keep in mind I was holding my digital camera as a light source while Justin was both trying to attach the other camera and dropping tripod parts. We gave up and put the camera on the water cooler on top of the bar.
Everything was going great:
Derrik and Adam were jamming,
Justin was belting riffs (Adam helped me with the band jargon),
Dan and Animal were laying down beats,
AND Justin's extremely intoxicated friend was climbing onto the stage and taking the mike! I took a couple pictures because I thought they'd invited him on stage to say something or announce a song. It turns out they hadn't. Soon Adam had to pull the mike away while Heidi, Justin, and I tried to convince the guy to come down. He sort of jumped into my arms, but happily Justin caught him before I died. Later he tried to join the band again but I convinced him in the nick of time to sit down next to me off to the side. Adam was ready to gently nudge him offstage with his foot, he said later (but not in those words). "This one's a good song, huh?" I offered. He replied he jusht wanted to shing backup.
He danced uncomfortably close to Justin (bassist) for the last two songs. I guess every show has its crazed fan.
Despite the chaos, ColdFire rocked that metal scene. My contracted anxiety about the shows is always calmed by the clarity of their sound and the positive impact they have on their crowd.
"'Peace' can't be said enough; we should hang these flags up..."
-"Burning Flags" lyrics by ColdFire
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